Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Problem Solved: STFU Environment

Well, we can all sleep a little sounder at night now that one of the major problems plaguing our species has been thoroughly dealt with.  That's right, world governments, leaders of industry, NASA scientists, Tibetan monks, and one super-intelligent chimp have come together in order to solve the environmental crisis known as Global Warming.  And in a surprising twist, they have actually solved it.  You heard it here first: we have officially Saved the Environment.  "But how?" you might ask.  Was it monumental social and legal reform on a massive scale?  Was some new form of free, clean, and infinite power discovered?  Did world governments cast aside the petty bickering, political maneuvering, and senseless exploitation and the slaughter of innocent civilians for their own twisted purposes in order to work together for the common Good of all Humankind?  Did Logic and Reason finally win out and keep us from destroying the only planet that we know of within reasonable travelling distance that can actually sustain human life?  Well, it was actually a lot simpler than we had originally thought.

Behold, the instrument of your salvation:

Why?  Why was I programmed to feel pain?
That's right, the environment has now been solved.  And it's all thanks to these new "eco friendly" DVD and Blu-Ray cases that have been so graciously bestowed upon us.  Well, to tell you the truth, I sleep a lot better at night now knowing that my children and their children after them will have one less thing to worry about.  If only we could travel back in time and tell our grandparents about this marvel of engineering, the height of Human Technological Innovation, that would bring about their environmental salvation, we could have saved decades of debate, uncertainty, and stress.  What fools we've all been!  The answer was so obvious, we must have just been too smart to see it.

So what the fuck is all this about?  What the fuck is wrong with this picture (both literally and metaphorically)?  How could any free-thinking, socially-conscious citizen be opposed to any effort, no matter how small, insignificant, and stupid, to work towards a viable solution to global warming?  Well, besides the fact that the solution people have come up with is a total crock, there's plenty to be bothered about by this sort of shit.

First off, this is a huge piss-off to anybody who has even a shred of environmental conscience, which in this day and age you have to try pretty fucking hard not to have.  We are fucking up our planet royally, and "shitting where we eat" has basically become the mantra of many in our society, especially those in the upper echelons.  At first glance, the whole eco friendly media cases seem to be a good idea.  It's the "Reduce" part of the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" holy trinity of environmental reformation that has been taught in schools throughout the West since at least the 90's.  But, upon further inspection, it's really bullshit and kind of a slap in the face, especially when industries that are causing the bulk of environmental issues are not only allowed to expand, but are in bed with global governments doing terrible, perverted things that would make most porn-stars gag.
Please kill me... I'm in terrible agony.

Because the point is John Q. Public can recycle pop cans and pizza boxes to his heart's content, clean up his local park, and support organically grown and fed produce and meat until the grass-fed, hormone-free cows come home, it still doesn't change the fact that all of that is really just a drop in the bucket compared to the Mass Destruction being perpetrated on our planet on a daily basis on a scale far beyond his comprehension.  I mean, when you've still got logging companies clearcutting thousands of acres a day, fossil fuels like natural gas and coal being drilled or mined and burned in record-breaking amounts, nuclear power plants spewing out all manner of wonderful radioactive waste and just waiting for the right time to meltdown, and all manner of toxins pumped into our air and water supply by gigantic corporations on a daily goddamn basis, no amount of recycling or reduction or reuse in the world is going to counteract all that shit.  None.  Sure every drop in the bucket counts, but as it stands right now it doesn't save us from drowning, it just means we're drowning a little less.

The real bitch of it is that we could end a lot of the big shit today.  Right now.  In the space of a couple years we could virtually eliminate our use of fossil fuels.  Some of you may be shocked to know that THE TECHNOLOGY ALREADY FUCKING EXISTS to produce energy with nary a negative side-effect on the environment and hence our collective well-being.  Technologies to harness solarwind, and geothermal energy not only exist, but have been tested and proven in large-scale situations.  The technology has been refined to the point where it is now both economically viable and effective enough to more than cover the energy consumption of the average citizen.

But "short-term sacrifice for long-term gain" runs counter to the ethos driving the crazy train we are currently riding with no stops in immediate sight.  The real fucking slap to the balls is that these supposedly "eco friendly" cases are being marketed as being easier on the environment when really what they are is a cost-cutting measure so that they can use less material and some CEO or big shot somewhere can add another couple thousand or so to next year's Christmas bonus.  If you're going to bombard the public with an inferior product, don't be coy; put on your big boy pants and tell us straight up that you'll shit on us as you gleefully take our money like some kind of twisted, terrifyingly vivid scheisse porn video.

This isn't the kind of shit that's going to save us, though.  If we want to stop the tide of climate change, we already know what we have to do.  Al Gore has been trying to tell us for decades.  I don't mind making the sacrifice if it means something.  But if we are going to let ourselves fry to a crisp then can we at least be allowed to greet the apocalypse armed with sturdily constructed consumer goods at reasonable prices?



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