A Brief History

Cale Morsen was born on a cold, winter’s day during a solar eclipse.  His father was a French Canadian lumberjack named Maurice and his mother was a lioness who escaped from the Metro Toronto Zoo in order to track down her father and to discover the Caramilk secret.  Cale's birth was unique in recorded history as it took two days -one day for him to emerge, riding a golden unicorn in his first glorious triumph over the uterus, and another day for his gargantuan penis to emerge, which broke several records and the spines of at least half of the crew of six, burly men who had to hoist it out with a winch.  The head of the doctor who oversaw the delivery exploded from the sheer awesomeness of it.  Unfortunately, these would not be the last fatalities related to his gigantic dick.

Upon emerging from the womb Cale lit up a cigar and declared “Wait’ll they get a load of me,” a line which was subsequently stolen by Tim Burton and used in 1989′s BATMAN.  Cale's later exploits would later be the inspiration for countless Hollywood movies including -but not limited to: SCHINDLER’S LIST, THE FRENCH CONNECTION, BACK TO THE FUTURE I and II (but not III), STAR TREK, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, 300, RESERVOIR DOGS, THE GOOD SON, JAWS, and PRETTY IN PINK.

At the tender age of 3 minutes old Cale was sent back in time to kill Adolf Hitler, whom he pummeled to death with a bag of doorknobs then lit on fire and roasted some marshmallows on the burning corpse and invented S’mores, only the original S’Mores were made with the blood of Nazi’s and shoe leather instead of the chocolate and graham crackers we know today.  After that Cale went to study high in the peaks of Mt Fuji where he was trained by an army of ninjas and helped to invent the art of Ass-Kicking.  After he grew bored travelling the world ninjaing, he retired and took up several hobbies to kill some time.  He became a pirate for a short while in the South Pacific where his pirating career culminated in stealing the entire continent of Atlantis.  He then invented Rock n’Roll with the help of the Devil who "owed him one" for saving his ass in the Greco-Persian Wars.  Cale then created the band Led Zeppelin and invested all of the money he made into disco record manufacturing.  After disco went bust, Cale went on a ten-year fit of rage and drugs during which time he contacted herpes at an orgy at Elton John’s house.  He subsequently cured himself of the disease with a blow torch, a rusty nail, and voodoo.  He tried to market the cure but the FDA said it wasn’t cost effective.  The patent is still pending.

Cale Morsen currently resides in an active volcano in the Pacific Rim where every morning for breakfast he has a cup of boiling hot magma, the fetus of an albino rhinoceros, and some pumpkin pie.  He currently runs a sperm bank for celebrity pets and has a line of human breast milk ice cream called Milk Cannnonz.  He spends his spare time whipping his dick out during everyday conversations, working on his doctoral thesis on how far you can stick a Q-Tip into your ear before you go deaf, designing a perfume for the homeless, bench pressing freight cars, and punching vegetarians in the spine.  He was a regular feature on the Cylon Bingo podcast, which was part of a contract that also included the rights to all of his internal organs that he signed in exchange for a lifetime supply of Twonk.  This is regarded as one of the best business deals in the history of time.  

Facing the threat of a multi-planar dimensional collapse for a time-travelling mishap in which he became both the father and the son of King Tut, Cale started the Feed the Voices in Your Head blog as a stopgap way to prevent all of existence from imploding in upon itself in a raging hellfire of destruction by periodically injecting doses of Pure Awesome directly into the cosmic ether.  He will graciously accept your gratitude in the form of cold hard cash or, like Jesus Christ before him, the more universal currency of blow jobs.