Gratuitous. That is the only word I can think of that perfectly to describe PIRANHA 3D. It is a word which also encapsulates the entire concept of the movie. There was absolutely nothing that was not unnecessary in this film. PIRANHA 3D represents all that is wrong with the world today. It stands as an affront to all that is decent, and pure, and right, and noble. Which is a good thing because that's really all this movie had going for it.
For me there was basically only one reason to watch PIRANHA 3D. It was something I'd heard from several reviews of the film, a fact that was meant to be derisive and cautionary, but was music to my ears. Three of the best words that can be used to describe the content of a movie: full frontal nudity. Perhaps this seems childish and impractical because if I wanted to look at naked chicks I could easily go the Internet or use that secret peephole at the local YMCA women's change room. But for some reason nudity in a mainstream, studio film somehow made it "OK" in the eyes of the conservative crackpots out there. Or, at least, slightly more tolerable. It was also a way to sneak in smut under the ever-manned defences of your significant other. On any other occasion your wife/girlfriend/concubine/mail order bride -unless she was some liberal, nympho, sex-craved lunatic- would probably scoff at the idea of watching anything with naked people -especially other chicks. But, when you watch a socially valid art form -in this case the Hollywood studio film- it somehow becomes acceptable to watch people frolic around naked, and even in explicit sex scenes. It's like a porn cloaking device, like the Romulans somehow snuck some naked chicks aboard the Enterprise before Picard knew what was going on. Now there's a lost episode I'd like to see.
Somehow, when nudity is put into the context of "pornography" it suddenly becomes taboo as if pornography was not a valid art form. Most women are socially programmed to view other (attractive) women as competition, even if they're some random person on the television screen that can't actually interact with their husband/boyfriend/gimp-in-a-box and poses no real sexual competition whatsoever. I suppose that there is an element of jealousy ingrained in the male psyche as well, however if I found my wife's collection of porno mags and her vibrator I wouldn't be upset by it. Surprised, maybe, knowing my wife (although she did go to a live sex show in Amsterdam without me while we were still dating, so maybe not so surprised), but not angry or jealous. Perhaps it's part of the sociological construction that makes women who have a lot of sex "sluts" and men who do the same thing "the man." For reasons I can't comprehend women tend to be socialized to be as sexually conservative as possible while paradoxically being flooded with images of scantily-clad women with the "ideal" body type and setting an improbable standard that makes them question their own self esteem and teaches them to exude sexuality. In essence women are supposed to be sexy, but not have sex. Men, on the other hand, are programmed to believe that their relative "manliness" is directly linked to their sexual dominance, and then paradoxically forced into the social construction of monogamy. This construction puts men in an equally awkward bind as they are forced to reconcile the fact that they are supposed to be sexual conquerors and yet be bound to one person. All in all, it seems pretty fucked up and makes me question whether I really want to retain any ties to the human race at all.
None of these thoughts ran through my mind as I walked up the stairs to Ryebone's apartment that Friday night. I was just going over to hang out for a couple of hours. I was greeted at the door by a partially-clothed Ryebone who greeted me in his usual style- a manly buffet on the shoulder followed by a loud fart and a maniacal laugh. After he put on his pants, we settled into a familiar routine playing Rockband 3 on unreliable plastic instruments. Ryebone has had notoriously bad luck when it comes to the musical peripherals that have become a staple in the home of any modern-day,self-respecting gamer. The guitar I was forced to play with had a squeaky strum bar, and the yellow button had a habit of suddenly not registering in the game despite the fact that I was obviously still holding it down.
After an hour or so of rhythm gaming the decision was made to go to Dairy Queen. This was to allow Ryebone to satiate a recently developed craving for DQ's Blizzards, and also to indulge one of his favourite hobbies: leering at and making sexually suggestive comments to young women working at fast food restaurants. ("That'll be $5.67, sir." "Perfect. If you just reach into my pocket you'll find a roll of quarters." *wink*) I got an Orange Julius in the most likely unfounded belief that it was somehow healthier and we went back to his place to complete the Friday Ritual. Rybone booted up his vast network of computers and external drives where he stored his vast array of digital entertainment for which he had forsaken physical media. We began scrolling through his collection of recently downloaded movies and we came across PIRANHA 3D. It was getting fairly late by this point, so the trim running time of 88 minutes was a big selling feature. Plus I had in mind those three hallowed words: full frontal nudity. I was in the mood for something light, something I wouldn't have to concentrate too hard on (tee, hee, hee). And ultimately the only reason I wanted to watch it was because I was a heterosexual man and I loved to look at breasts. Plain and simple.
It was with this -the purest of intentions- that we set out to watch PIRANHA 3D (regrettably only in 2D because Ryebone -despite spending exorbitant amounts of money on a 3D TV- for some inexplicable reason was too cheap to lay down a couple hundred extra clams for the glasses needed to take advantage of the 3D
The premise of PIRANHA 3D is as patently absurd as it is genius in its simplicity. Seismic activity opens up an underwater cavern that holds a school of prehistoric piranha that are now released into a lake that just happens to be a spring break hot spot. That's pretty much it. From there on out you get a lot of what you paid for: bikini-clad women shaking their asses, wet t-shirt contests, Jerry O'Connell shooting a low-budget porn, an underwater scene with big-breasted naked porn stars (the way all underwater scenes should be) and finally people killing in unimaginably horrible ways.
I was surprised by the number of recognizable faces in this flick. It starts off with an inexplicable cameo by Richard Dreyfus who dies within about two minutes of the beginning of the movie. I'm not sure if the filmmakers wanted a callback to JAWS to add some sort of intertextual reference and add some legitimacy to their movie. More likely they wanted some big name celebrities to help sell some tickets. Ving Rhames shows up to kick some ass as a cop and is partnered with Elisabeth Shue who you'll probably recognize as Jennifer 2.0 from BACK TO THE FUTURE II and III. Another BACK TO THE FUTURE staple, Christopher Lloyd, also showed up for the fun. Also popping in are Eli Roth, Dina Meyer, Ricardo Chavira (Desperate Housewives. Yeah, you probably recognized him from those agonizing hours forced by your wife or girlfriend to watch that crap.), Adam Scott and of course Jerry O'Connell as the asshole porn film producer/director. I suppose that Kelly Brook and Riley Steele might also have helped to draw in a certain type of crowd because I can only surmise from their filmographies on IMDB that they are porn stars of some variety.
There's not much more you need to know. Like I said, everything in PIRANHA 3D is completely gratuitous and superficial and bears no greater significance than what is depicted on the screen. There is no deeper meaning here. There are half-naked and totally-naked chicks with giant tits, body shots, motorboating (both the kind with boats and the kind with breasts), a lot of alcohol, people being eaten alive by hungry, prehistoric aquatic predators, Ving Rhames killing hundreds of fish with an outboard motor, Richard Dreyfus's decayed, half-eaten corpse, a particularly terrible scene where a girl with her hair stuck in the propeller of a boat has her entire face ripped off while she is still alive, and to top it all off Jerry O'Connell's digitally recreated penis regurgitated on screen for what seemed like a really long time. If any or all of that seems he least bit appealing to you, then PIRANHA 3D is definitely the movie for you. I'm still not sure whether I admire PIRANHA 3D for being an unpretentious movie with no goal other than for the actors or the audience to simply have a good time or totally hate it for being just another signpost that our culture is truly dying a terrible death that exhaults style over substance, or in this case tits and gory death over substance. I won't say this movie is a must see, however if you want to sneak some nudity in under your significant other's nose in the guise of socially acceptable media, then this has to rank up there right behind WILD THINGS and SPECIES. I give PIRANHA 3D a 4/10= One Excited Head MoterBoating a Pair of Perfect Breasts Then Taking Them Out To Tea Afterwards
.jpg)
0 comments:
Post a Comment