Thursday, July 15, 2010

Miracle Whip Can Go To Hell

Alright this has been bothering me for sometime, and now I really feel the need to speak out on this bullshit.  I'm sure most of you have seen all those Miracle Whip ads on TV right now where a bunch of young, attractive people are living large while consuming mass amounts of flavoured mayonnaise and then at the end they flash this slogan: "We are Miracle Whip and we will not tone it down."  The whole ad is generally offensive to free-thinking individuals and I will tell you why. 

First of all the slogan is so pretentious.  "We will not tone it down?"  Really?  Tone what down Kraft?  All you're selling is a jar filled with a substance that has the same look and consistency as jizz and is about as bland as a cardboard box.  Of all the food products out there, or all the objects in the universe, Miracle Whip is about the last thing I would ask to be toned down.  Certain brands of hot sauce could concievably "tone it down".  McDonalds could "tone down" whatever the fuck they put into their food that makes it so addictive.  Mel Gibson could "tone down" his wild ranting.  The US government could "tone down" its invasions into whatever country in the world they feel like invading this year.  The point is in order to "tone" something "down" it first has to be "toned up" ie. have some level of intensity, which Miracle Whip does not have.  Miracle Whip is about as intense as sitting and staring at a blank wall not having sex with dozens of women.  Miracle Whip is the food world equivalent of having erectile disfunction.

That, in essence, is what makes this campaign so pretentious.  As if people were walking past the Kraft headquarters and having conversations like the one that follows.

"Hey man, what'd you have for lunch?"

"I had a sandwich.  But not just any sanwich."

"What was so special about this sandwich?"

"Well it was a turkey sanwich on rye."


"Well, for a change I thought I would add... some Miracle Whip."

"Holy, shit man!"

"I know, right!"

"Miracle Whip?  You're fucking crazy man.  That shit is intense!"

"You're telling me.  That sanwich was nearly the end of me.  I really wish they would just, like, tone it down a little, you know?"

It's like Kraft is telling us that the word on the street is that Miracle Whip is too intense.  As if they have been called out and have to defend the integrity of their product.  It's like some poser kid at high school who's trying to score points with the cool kids by building up some situation trying to make himself look like a rebel.  "Yeah, my mom packed my lunch and gave me a bottle of water, but I saved my allowence and bought bought a Coke today.  Yeah everybody tells me it will rot my teeth, but I'm not changing for anyone.  I won't tone it down."  Miracle Whip is the ingratiating loser who like exactly the same things you and your friends like and feel the need to tell you so they'll gain cool points or something.  Bullshit, Kraft.  I'm inclined to drive down to head office and stuff these executives in some lockers after holding them upside down and shaking out their lunch money. 

The second reason why this ad campaign is bullshit is the whole idea of trying to make it seem that Miracle Whip is actually relevent to young people when the only people who would actually care enough about this product to discuss its merits are 60-something, widowed women named "Mable" who smell like mothballs and pickles and hang around churches as much as they can in their spare time.  You think god likes Miracle Whip, grandma?  Miracle Whip is for pussies.  When god makes a sandwich he tops it off with pure habanero puree, molten lava, and bullets.  An eternity eating sanwiches topped with a pale paste that might as well be human ejaculate: that sounds more like hell to me.  Blow me Miracle Whip. 


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