Boldly Going Where Many Have Gone Before

Judging from the title of this entry many readers might feel that my opinions about the new Star Trek film are negative or jaded. That couldn't be further from the truth. I just figured it was a clever title seeing as this is the latest in a long, long series of Trek films of varying degrees of quality ranging from pure shit to complete awesomeness. This new film definitely falls into the latter category.

It was, however, with great trepidation and a general air of disapproval that I originally greeted the idea of a remake/reboot/prequel to the shows and movies I had loved and spent so much time with as a child and young adult. (Stress on the "young".) It just seemed like another sign of the times that most of Hollywood was a bloated, dead corpse canibalizing itself for old ideas because it was too stagnant and stupid to come up with anything new. And in a way, I suppose, it still is. But as the release date came ever closer and I heard more and then saw some of the trailers my utter disgust and disdain gradually evolved into a cautious optimism. And with the maverick director like J.J Abrahms I had even more hope for the film. Maybe it wouldn't completely suck balls. Maybe it would just tickle them a little with its tongue and leave the beloved Star Trek canon rest in piece until the great Star Trek Wars (not to be confused with the equally great Star Wars Trek) profesied in Futurama.

While I hoped for (at best) mediocrity, what I got was pure movie gold. The film was fantastic in (almost) every aspect and very accessible both to the hardened Trek fan and to the Star Trek virgin (and by this I mean people who have not seen the show or movies, and not a true virgin like 99% of Trek fans under the age of 60). First let me issue the standard warning for all you crybabies out there that yes this post does indeed include spoilers.

Let's start with the plot / concept. This was hands down the single best idea I've ever seen to reboot/reimagine a major motion picture property. The story starts off with the Federation ship USS Kelvin being attacked by a bad-ass Romulan vessel which we find out later has travelled back in time from the future. During the ensuing firefight a young George Kirk takes command and saves the lives of countless crewmembers, including his son James T. Kirk who is born during the cluster-fuck of the Romulan assault in one of the all-time most intense birth scenes in cinematic history. Then we see a young Spock on his homeworld of Vulcan dealing with his mixed heritage (human/vulcan). Flash forward a few years and Kirk is a motorcycling rebel without a cause whose life changes with a chance encounter at a local bar with a young Urhura, a bunch of beefy Starfleet cadets and Captain Christopher Pike who sites Kirk's father's courage and gets him to enroll in Starfleet.

So Kirk enrolls in Starfleet, promptly meets a young Dr. McCoy and they quickly hit it off. During his time at the academy Kirk butts heads with Spock. During an emergency mission to rescue planet Vulcan from an attack from the rogue Romulan vessel, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Uhura end up on none other than the famous USS Enterprise with young Sulu and Chekov. The virgin (tee-hee!) crew of the Enterprise then set out to first try to stop the rogue Romulans from detroying planet Vulcan and billions of alien lives resulting in: A) Captain Pike getting captain-napped: B) Some crazy sky diving stunts: C) Sulu pulling out some crazy wicked samurai moves with a totally sweet futurisitc fold-out sword and : D) The complete destruction of the planet Vulcan.

Now that the shit has officially hit the intergalactic fan the crew of the Enterprise becomes the one last, best hope for humanity what with the renegade Romulans making best time to Earth to try and set the record for most genocides committed within a twenty-four hour period. A beef with Spock ends Kirk stranded on some Hoth-like ice world (sorry for the comparison, but I mean, come on!) where Kirk meets the last piece of the Enterprise puzzle: the Scottich engineer named (wait for it...) Scotty! Oh yeah, he also meets a time-travelling Spock from the future who gives Kirk a little inside info into Starfleet regulations to earn him the captaincy (not sure if that's a real word, but suck on it Websters) to try to "make things right" and save an importantn and enduring friendship.

So Kirk and Scotty hightail it back to the Enterprise where Kirk uses the info from old Spock to dethrone young spock and take control of the mighty starship. So Kirk and young Spock bury the hatchet to head on a rescue mission for Captain Pike, and attempt to save Earth from the same fate as Vulcan which results in: A) The salvation of Earth: B) A crazy shoot-out/rescue scene and: C) The new crew of the Enterprise setting out on its continuing mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out life and new civilizations... and so on and so forth.

There were a shit-tonne of references to the original Trek series which was a real treat for any existing fans. There was Captain Pike (originally portrayed by Jeffrey Hunter in the original, original Star Trek pilot) who ends up in a wheelchair at the end of this movie and who was completely crippled by a fire and ended up in a wheelchair in the original series. There was the reference to the infamous Kobayashi Maru test taken by all cadets, and passed only by Kirk who cheats, as referenced in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. There was also the evil Romulan Nero calling out "Spock! Spock!" much like Kirk famously yelled out "Khan! Khan!" in Wrath of Khan. There was also the simple fact that the Romulans were the bad guys, a tradition dating back forty-odd years. There was also a very subtle reference to a phenomenon known only to trekkies/trekkers about starfleet officers in red shirts who, in the original series, would always beam down with the away team and sure as shit get killed by the alien/evil force/unknown disease to let you know just how dangerous the situation was. This happens during the crazy space-jumping scene, which was sadistically satisfying to watch. There are the references to some special Vulcan abilities like the famous Vulcan Neck pinch and the mind meld. And of course all the technology was beautifully handled to pay homage to the original while updating it to look more "realistic" or at least believable (no orange, thank God).

The cast was excellent and did the perfect job of capturing the collective essences of the original characters while not simply immitating them. Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto as Kirk and Spock respectively were perfect for their roles. Pine did a fantastic job of capturing the devil-may-care attitude and womanizing of the action junkie Captain James T. Kirk. Quinto -aside from the fact that he looked uncannily like a young Leonard Nimoy- did an excellent job of portraying Spock as a young man caught between two worlds and giving the classic eyebrow raise. Also notable were Karl Urban as Dr. "Bones" McCoy who did a pretty good Deforest Kelly without going to over the top. I also have a soft spot in my heart for Simon Pegg who I thought did an excellent Scotty. Zoe Saldana, John Cho, and Anton Yelchin also turned in great performances as Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov respectively. All in all the cast seemed to have a great raport with each other and it really translated well on screen.

I think the scene that best expresses the new take on Trek was the scene where a young Kirk steals a car and "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys is blaring on the radio. The way the writers handled this new entry into the Star Trek canon walked that fine razor's edge between satisfying the old fans while being accessible to a new audience. This was easily the most action-oriented Trek which draws in the new audiences who are easily entertained with bright lights and flashy things.

Then there is the whole idea of an alternate dimension/timeline created by the travelling back in time by the Romulans and Spock so technically all the stuff from the old films still happened independently of the events in this movie so we can all be happy and move on, even though some of us may have had problems with certain romantic relationships involving a certain pointy-eared alien and Uhura, which I'll admit kind of bugged me. In my mind the one thing that Rick Berman and Brannon Braga really fucked up with their inheritance of the Star Trek universe is the Vulcans. I mean, Gene Roddenberry (for those of you who don't know, he's the guy who dreamed up all this craziness back in that turbulant time known simply as The 60's) really did a lot to set up the Vulcans as a drastically different species who had different drives and different philosophies on how to approach the universe, but now they just seem like mean-spirited old men who are more stoic than devoid of all emotion. But that's the nerd coming out in me.

Alright, I'm through rambling and it's been about two months since I've seen this so I'll publish this motherfucker before I make any more spelling mistakes. Overall one of my favourite movies of the year so far, and now that I've seen a few other summer blockbusters, easily the best summer blockbuster this year.

My rating is 9/10 = One Logic-Infused Vulcan Head

The Chin's Last Ride

I can't say I'm the largest fan of late night television, usually because after work and playing with my daughter my wife and I end up in bed hours before any of the craziness starts and so I never have a chance to see it and develop any kind of emotional investment. But I have watched a fair amount of late night material over the years, and I think that Jay Leno was definitely my favourite. The key difference between Leno and his closest rival, David Letterman, was that Leno seemed to be, well, funny. The only good thing about Letterman's show was the Top Ten Lists, and even some of those were kind of shaky.

But for as long as I can remember Letterman and Leno have essentially been the kings of late night, so news of either of them stepping down is like the end of a dynasty. I guess Carson retired from the Tonight Show in my lifetime, but at the time I was so young I was never allowed to stay up late enough to see his show. So instead I'd stay up all night banging my head against the wall to get back at my parents. I'm not sure how this was supposed to facilitate my revenge against them, but in all fairness the severe damage my brain sustained from years of continuous blunt force trauma has definitely affected both my long- and short-term- memory and as a result I tend to ramble whenever I talk or write and get completely off topic. Nachos are great with cheese.

Where was I? Ah yes, Jay Leno's last night as host of the Tonight Show. Even though I haven't really followed the show I still got a sense of nostalgia and a weird tingling sensation in my bathing suit area when I heard that he was handing over the reigns to another late night icon- Conan O'Brien. So naturally I had to tune in for this momentus event in television history. Jay was pretty cool about the whole thing, and the show much like the man was endearing and unpretentious. There wasn't a huge fanfare, and I guess it really wasn't too sad of an ending because aparentlt Jay is going to start his own show in the fall. The main guest was his successor Conan O'Brien, who I must say has really come into his own over the years. The story of how he came to be a late night talk show host directly after working on The Simpsons (back in the Golden Era before Marge got breast implants and other stupid shit) was kind of cool and it was very fitting that his very first appearance on TV had been with Jay Leno on the Tonight Show years earlier.

I think the best and most emotionally poignant part of the show was the ending where Jay Leno answered a question posed to him earlier about his legacy by talking about how many couples had gotten together from the production crew and then brought out all the children who were born to these couples. It was a touching moment to see how the whole crew had grown together as a family and it was a nice, classy way to end an impressive seventeen-year run. Way to be, Jay.

Wolverine's Fourth (But Really First) Time Out

Well it's been several weeks and I know you're all dying to know what I thought of the piece of cinema that was (and is) X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Now I know this movie has been much maligned by comic book nerds and critics alike, but quite frankly anyone who didn't like this movie is either on crack or has his head buried in the darkest recesses of his own asshole.

This was not an amazing movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it was action-packed and very entertaining. The trick is to go in with very low expectations. I know this sounds like kind of a backhanded compliment (and I suppose in a very accurate way, it is) but this is a movie based on a series of comic books. Now before all you nerds start getting upset at my obvious ignorance of the Modern Mythology handed down to us by the gods from the DC and Marvel universes and how comics (or "graphic novels" as they are sometimes referred to today) are legitimate forms of literature worthy of study at the finest universities let me assure you: I am in complete and total agreement. However, the centre of this debate is how well comics translate from the page to the screen and the answer is a resounding "Not well."

This is not to say that it can't be done. There are the obvious exceptions like Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, X-men 1 & 2, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight (obviously), and (in my contoversial opinion) Watcmen. But for every one great movies of these there is a plethora of shitty (or at least mediocre) ones. Just for fun, let's see: there's the six Superman travesties, Daredevil, both Fantastic Four movies, anything with "Punisher" in the title, Spider-Man 3, Hulk, X3, Elektra, Catwoman, the whole 80's/90's Batman franchise (except the first one, for nostalgia sake), Ghost Rider, Spawn, not to mention the terrible Captain America movie back in good old 1990. The problem isn't necessarily with the source material, the problem is making an effective transition from the page to the screen, two very different mediums. Some of the difficulty lies in the visual aspect. Sometimes bright blue or yellow spandex just doesn't look as good in the real world as it does on the paper. Sometimes it's interference from ignorant or incompetent directors (read: Brett Ratner). And sometimes it may be difficult for filmmakers to try to pick out the "best of the best" from up to 50 years of storylines and mash it all into a coherent two hour narrative.

Anyway this is all off the point. The main thing is this movie was generally enjoyable. Hugh Jackman is a competent actor and he gets the job done. I must say he was in the best shape I've seen him in so far. It was nice to see him really throw himself into the role. Liev Schreiber also does a nice job as Victor Creed (AKA Sabertooth) Wolvie's long-time rival. Ryan Reynolds puts in a solid performance as Deadpool, a character I know nothing about and do not care to. It always amused me that whenever I talked to anybody about anticipation about this movie and they would always sight their eagerness at seeing Gambit. Now I was never a huge Gambit fan, but I didn't feel like Taylor Kitsch was the right man for the job. He was OK, and it was cool to see Gambit on the big screen doing some serious damage, but Kitsch just didn't seem right for the part, and his cajun accent was definitely nowhere near thick enough. The rest of the cast was also good, nothing special. (Keep your eyes peeled for a hobbit!)

The plot, much like the title, was too convulted and drawn out. It started out with a bit of action, got really slow with the love story in the middle, then picked up again near the end. The action was great and the fights between Wolverine and Sabertooth were very well done and there was some attempt made to give them an emotional context but it was really pretty thin. It made sense in the context of the film to go over Logan's beginnings as a small child, but I don't like the fact that they actually made it all so clear. I always thought it was more interesting when we didn't know where and when he actually came from. The ambiguity was really great and there was that romantic notion of the mysterious stranger who wanders into town and takes down the bad guys like Clint Eastwood. Except Logan was so mysterious even he didn't know who he was. Although it was awesome to see that one of my favourite superheroes is Canadian. ( After William Stryker tells Logan that he should come back to serve his country he replies "I'm Canadian.")

The two main problems with the movie for me were the love story and the fact that they just tried to stuff too much into the movie. I know there was some content from the Weapon X series, but it felt like it was too condensed and wasn't given the attention it deserved. The love story just seemed to pop in from nowhere and really I don't know why it was in there. It really didn't feel emotionally relevent. And the whole story about how Wolverine chose his name was kind of weak. The other weak point was how Wolvie lost his memory which felt really tacked-on.

All of the action was fun to watch and it was great to see Wolverine destroying and killing stuff with his shiny new claws. the final battle of the film was big and flashy and satisfying. They did a good job of giving each character his own unique fighting style. There were a ton of cameos by other mutants from the Marvel universe, so I won't go over all of them. It was a veritable mutant orgy which may sound erotic, but in the end served to be far to distract far too much in such a short film. Again, this is one of the problems in adapting comics to the screen, especially with the X-Men because there are so many characters. The movie would have been a lot better with more focus.

The director Gavin Hood hasn't done a whole lot but I expect we'll be seeing more of his work. While X-Men Origins: Wolverine isn't the best film ever made, or even the best superhero film ever made, it was still a solid entry into the franchise and it definitely was not the clusterfuck everyone thought it was going to be. It was miles better thanIn order of awesomeness I would have to say it goes X-Men2, X-Men, Wolverine, then X3. Overall I would recomend seeing this movie, and if you get a chance it is definitely worth the price of a movie ticket which is more than I can say for a lot of shit these days.

I give this movie a solid 6.5/10 = One Adamantium-Coated, Bullet-Riddled Skull

Observe and Report... and Suck Balls

Well, one thing I can say is that this should be the easiest review I've ever had to write. When asked whether or not to see this movie the simple answer I give is: "Don't". It is a single serving of cow vomit with a side of anal rape. Observe and Report has got to be one of the worst (if not the worst) comedy I have ever had the displeasure of seeing.

I don't know what the hell Jody Hill was thinking when he was writing this, or while he was making it, or during the editing process. The answer is he probably wasn't thinking at all. This movie -and I use the term "movie" very lightly- was billed as a "dark comedy" meaning I suppose that the jokes were based around such taboo subjects as date rape, mental instability, flashing, and assaulting law inforcement officers. These things all could have been funny, but they weren't. This was not a comedy. This movie does not fit into any known category. It is in a genre all by itself. The Anti-Comedy. This movie was the antithesis of funny.

One big bias I had before seeing this movie was my hatred of all things Seth Rogen. Now to be fair, the dude can be funny in small (very small) doses, and supporting roles, but he does not have the staying power, the charisma or the acting ability to be a leading man. (The exception that proves the rule being Zack and Miri Make a Porno where I could stand Rogen's suckiness only because of Kevin Smith's awesomeness.) So I went into this experience trying to keep an open mind and give Rogen the benefit of the doubt. I was not rewarded. To be fair again, most of the problems probably stemmed from inexperienced directing and a shitty script. Still, Rogen's acting was definitely nowhere near the level it would have needed to be at to even begin to salvage this bag of putrid garbage.

I can't really summaraize the plot, because there seemed to be a total lack of narrative structure. The reason I hesitate to call this random collection of scenes poorly cobbled together a "movie" is because it lacks the characteristics of a movie. None of the scenes seemed connected, the editing was choppy at best, and most of the scenes were just thrown in completely out of context. There was no continuity. And as to the whole "dark comedy" thing, it simply wasn't even that dark. It tried to be dark, but I've seen much crazier shit in much better comedies handled much more competently. One of the main "plot points" was a flasher who was terrorizing the good people working or shopping at the mall. The final scene depicts this flasher running through the mall being chased by Ronnie Barnhardt (Rogen) and it went on waaaaaaay too long. Now male nudity can be funny like in Borat, but this one was just annoying and disturbing. And then (spoiler alert!) when Barnhardt finally gets the upper hand and gets ahead of the guy I was expecting a good old-fashioned clothes-lining, but no the mother-fucker shoots the flasher point blank in the chest! It wasn't even funny. It was just like "What the fuck?!"

The acting really isn't worth mentioning. Anna Faris seemed to be in her element in yet another mindless "comedy". I had no idea how Ray Liotta ended up in this flic, but he must have realized since it came out that it was a steaming pile. Ray Liotta is a terrific actor and he needs to get back to doing quality movies again (Goodfellas II: Henry's Revenge). And there was no emotional investment in any of the characters. There were simply no redeeming characteristics in the protagonist at all. He was an asshole, but he wasn't a cool asshole.

I'm going to rap this up now because just thinnking about this pool of disease-ridden bodily fluids dripping from a hobo's corpse known as Observe and Report is making me angry. It wasted eighty-six minutes of my life I will never get back. Thank god I had a coupon from the back of a cereal box (go Oatmeal Crisp!) to see this movie because I would have been really pissed if I had paid actual money to have my eyes raped. And the title. What the hell does that even mean? It has nothing to do with anything that happens in the movie. Jody Hill can likc my balls. And in fact he should lick all of our balls because after what he did with this movie, he owes us. He should mail ten bucks to everyone who had to sit through this shit. I could go on, but I'm not going to let this terrible movie waste even one more minute of my life. In fact, I might delete this post later because just seeing it again will only remind me of the time wasted.

My rating: 1/10 = One Mall Security Guard's Head with Goat Balls in Its Mouth

Who Watches the Watchmen? I Do!

OK, I know it's been a while, but I figured I should give my review for this twisted artistic vision. At least I didn't retire from the writing business completely and return only when one of my fellow writers was murdered. Yeah, that was a pretty obvious joke, but I need to make sure these entries are long enough to weed out all but the most devout watchers of movies and true fans of my verbose writing style.

Let me start out by saying that I am most definitely a fan of the original Alan Moore graphic novel Watchmen. It was a complex narrative dealing with very complex, three-dimensional characters, and complex ideas. What struck me most when I read the novel was how haunted and flawed the characters were, which to me made them more believable and more like character studies than mere characters. Even though sometimes these costumed "heroes" sometimes did terrible things, I still found myself identifying with and even cheering them on both verbally and in my head. I call this the Sopranos syndrome. Tony Soprano was a complete asshole who murdered indiscriminately and frequently cheated on his wife, but I still loved the fucker.

I only mention my love and respect for the original source material because a lot of people -that large majority of the population that falls under the category of "morons"- who feel that if the movie adaptation (and I stress the word adaptation) isn't exactly frame for frame or word for word the same as the "original" graphic novel or book that it is somehow inferior or inherently flawed. Anyone who has studied literary theory and has an open mind in any sense of the word will hopefully allow for the idea that just because a text came first doesn't mean it is the be all and end all. I know all the report that aparently Alan Moore was very vocal in his disapproval of this movie, but with all due respect Mr. Moore, kindly suck my nutsack. Just because you wrote something doesn't mean that you are the ultimate authority on that text. Reader-response criticism is one example of looking at a text (be it written or visual) that puts more emphasis on the interpretation of the reader or viewer and less authority to the author.

OK, now that all that bullshit is out of the way, let's get on with the review of the movie. I'll make this quick. This movie was excellent. Zack Snyder is fast becoming one of my favourite directors, and he's getting a stranglehold on a strange little niche: that of adapting esoteric graphic novels written by prolific authors. 300 is just an all around awesome movie, and Watchmen while not as good as 300 is an excellent addition to his portfolio nonetheless. The difficulty with Watchmen, I feel anyway, was that the story was so much more complex than 300 and so long as to make it difficult to addapt effectively into a single movie ( I smell a trilogy!). Not to put down Frank Miller's excellent work in 300, as it is a deeply layered story, and complex in its themes, I think the story in Watchmen is not as accessible and the narritive is much more fractured (ie. the jumping back and forth through time).

All in all I thought the people involved in the film did an excellent job of staying true to the essence of the original graphic novel, even thought they obviously couldn't include every single thing from the original. The one thing I'm glad they included was the giant blue shlong. I wasn't sure how they were going to handle Dr. Manhattan's reconstituted genitalia, and I'm glad they didn't shy away from it. The plot is far too complex to condense down into this article, so I will give you the same bullshit that the movie is about a group of superheroes who come out of retirement to investigate the murder of one of their own. From there the plot thickens and we are left with questions about predestination, the morality of vigilanteism, and the ends justifying the means, as well as several other fascinating, mind-blowing concepts. Speaking of blowing, make sure you keep an eye out for that giant blue dick.

There are essentially three thing which kept me from giving this movie a perfect ten out of ten. The first was the acting. First we'll start with the good. Jackie Earle Haley was perfect as the vigilante Rorschach. Jeffery Dean Morgan truly channeled The Commedian (perhaps the most complex of all the costumed heroes) and Patrick Wilson as Nite Owl was excellent. Carla Gugino should have showed her tits again in this movie (incidently, one of the best scenes in Sin City) to distract from her terrible acting in the movie. I don't know why , because usually she puts in a solid performance, but she was definitely off the ball. Malin Akerman was even worse, but at least she did show her tits (and the rest of her) so she had some kind of saving grace. Billy Crudup was OK as Dr. Manhattan, though I was slightly surprised and impressed that this was the guitarist from Almost Famous. First the long hair and killer 'stache, now the glowing blue skin and enormous blue ding-dong. Now that's a transformation. Perhaps the worst of the casting/acting was Matthew Goode as Ozymandias. He did not embody the part physically, and his acting left me unaffected. But luckily Jackie, Jeffery, and Patrick's combined awesomeness offset the rest.

The second thing was the music choices. This is were you can really see the difference between a good director like Zack Snyder and a phenomenal director like Martin Scorcese. Scorcese is an expert at matching music to each scene. Snyder, not so much. I liked a few song choices like Bob Dylan's The Times They Are a Changin' for the opening montage, but basically the music seemed a poor fit most of the time.

The third thing that really got me was the ending. My feeling about things in general is if they aren't broken don't fix them. I was totally looking forward to the giant squid monster (almost as much as I was looking forward to glowing, blue cock) and I have absolutely no idea why they changed it.

One thing I really liked and I know a lot of other people hated was the slo-mo action shots. I eat that shit up with a spoon. I loved it in 300 and I loved it even more in Watchmen. Maybe one of the problems was that Zack Snyder is all about action, and the graphic novel is a much more introspective beast. It may explain, though, why the action scenes were fantastic (though it may not explain the homoerotic nature of the giant, glowing, bright, blue weiner in so many scenes). A few of my favourite were the scene in the ally, the scene where Rorschach was captured or when he fucks up his fellow inmates in the prison, and of course the prison riot scene where Nite Owl and Silk Spectre II break in to rescue Rorschach. Phenomenal stuff.

Another thing I really enjoyed about both the movie and the book was the idea that with the exception of Dr. Manhattan (and possibly Ozymandias) none of these dudes had any super powers. (Though one had a huge, glowing wang). It was really cool, though, how these people did seem to be extraordinary in their physical abilities, due in part, I suppose, to their dedication to their training. They were ordinary people doing extraordinary things, so I could imagine that with enough training even I could one day be a superhero. I also liked how some of the costumes were adapted to the big screen. I don't think anything was lost in the translation.

Alright, that's enough for now. All you need to know is that the movie was great, there was big blue shlong aplenty, tons of action, and some nudity (the good kind (ie. not men)). Overall I'm giving the movie a 9/10 = One Vigilante Head Wearing a Constantly Shifting Black and White Super Hero Mask. (P.S. There was also an enormous, shimmering, penis. Thank you democracy.)

Goodbye Ricardo Montalban

I know this is a little bit late, but I think I should still take note of the death of a great actor. Ricardo Montalban died on January 14, 2009. Montalban will always stand out in my mind as Khan Noonien Singh, one of James T. Kirk's nemesis' in the original Star Trek series and the only villain worthy of his own dedicated Trek movie Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. This was one of my favourite Star Trek films as a child, so Montalban will always hold a special place in my heart. Well, as much as any actor who I've never met and whose personal life I know nothing about can hold a place in my heart. The other role that I remember is his part in the Planet of the Apes saga. He was a great actor and will be sadly missed.

Wii-tastic!

As a Christmas gift I recieved the much sought after Wii Fit. And I must say it is awesome. I know there are a lot of nay-sayers out there, and to the sceptics I say this: You suck balls. And not figuratively. You literally enjoy the taste of testicles on your tongue if you don't like this home fitness program. The Wii Fit is a real find for me for two reasons. 1) It gets me motivated to do some exercize again and 2) It gets me motivated to play Ye Olde Wii again. There are tons of activities, although I mostly do the strength training stuff like situps and pushups, but I do get a healthy dose of the balance games. And yes, I even do the yoga stuff every once in a while. It also keeps track of your weight and shows trends and changes over time. And I know it's a terrible way to get motivated, but I kind of feel guilty when I don't use it every day. It also keeps track of your BMI, which is a totally useless fucking number based solely on your height and weight and is an indicator of nothing in particular. I know there are a lot of people out there who consider themselves "hardcore" gamers and have nothing but disdain and a couple of roundhouse kicks for the beloved Wii, but to those "hardcore" gamers I say this: when was the last time you could do 40 push-ups in a row? You may be able to pwn some fucking noob in CoD4, but in real life I'll still throw you over my knee and spank you like a little child all thanks to my Wii biatches.

Zack and Miri Make an Excellent Movie

First off let me start by saying Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a fantastic movie. There, that was one of my easiest reviews yet. No, I’m not done actually done yet, you’re not that lucky. I am one verbose motherfucker. And you puny humans are driven by your insatiable curiosity and also by the hope that somewhere in at least one of my articles there might be some modicum of insight or accuracy. However none of this changes the fact that Zack and Miri Make a Porno is an excellent piece of cinema. If you like hilarious, entertaining movies, breasts, helping orphans, democracy or breasts then you will love this movie. Of course I do come to the table with a slight bias towards Kevin Smith, the visionary director who helmed this project and produced such modern classics as Clerks, Mallrats, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

To me Kevin Smith is truly one of the best writer/directors working in Hollywood and hands down one of the funniest people alive today.  For those of you who don’t already know this movie follows the misadventures of the titular characters as they try to make a pornographic movie in order to solve their financial woes. And of course hilarity ensues. Every new Kevin Smith movie is a real treat for me, not just because it reinforces my own proclivity towards using the fuck-word, but it’s very fascinating to see Kevin mature as a director and to see how the themes running through his movies change with his maturity. I think one of the reasons Kevin is able to connect with audiences is because we can relate to the down-to-earth scenarios and characters he presents us with. Some kids hanging out at a mall. Two dudes working at a fast food restaurant. A couple of junkies trying to stop a movie from being made about them. Heh, heh. Good times.

The movie starts off at a high school reunion where Seth Rogen (Zack) and Elizabeth Banks (Miri) reluctantly show up and meet and reconnect (read: handjob in the bathroom) with their old classmates. Miri is trying to fuck her high school crush played by Brandon “Superman” Routh who turns out to be gay. His life partner is a gay porn star played to perfection by Justin Long. This is where the idea originates for Zack who subsequently tries to convince his roommate and lifelong platonic friend to make a porno with him. And of course they find they mean more to each other than they thought.

The acting was good, and everybody seemed to having a lot of fun. Now I’m not a huge fan of Seth Rogen, but even I couldn’t dislike him in the capable hands of Kevin Smith. Even though I’m not a huge fan of the Rogenator, he has playing the lovable loser down to a tee. This is really the first time I became conscious of Elizabeth Banks and she seems like a very good actress. The one scene that stuck out to me was when Zack and Miri finally do the deed (ie. Fuck) it’s Elizabeth Banks who really sells it. I mean there is a lot of complex emotions going on in the scene and she manages to get it all across all the while having an orgasm. Kudos. Craig Robinson also stood out for me. I’m really starting to enjoy this guy on the screen. Then there were the Kevin Smith regulars Jason Mewes as Lester (Zack: What's your name? Lester: Lester... Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff. Zack: Wow. That's a great porn name. Lester : I get to pick a porn name?... Then I want to be called... Pete Jones.) and Jeff Anderson as Deacon whose best scene involves a face full or shit. Fantastic.

The strength of Kevin Smith’s movies has, in my opinion, always been the superb dialogue. I get kind of irritated when people refer to his films as “vulgar” or “crude.” While these monikers are accurate in a sense they have a kind of negative connotation. But these characters speak how most regular dudes speak in the real world. Or maybe I just really like to fucking swear. Ass. The dialogue is finely crafted by a master wordsmith and I bow to you in honour, Mr. Smith. I also kind of got irritated when people were telling me about the new Seth Rogen film Zack and Miri Make a Porno. I would reply to these people “You fucking idiot. Go eat shit and die.” A bit extreme, but it’s a Kevin Smith film that happens to star Seth Rogen. All due to respect to Rogen and the “Apatow crew” but they are not the comedy kings of Hollywood that all these idiots in the media make them out to be. They’re like the default kings when Kevin Smith is in between movies. While their films are mildly amusing, they pale with the hilarity and the heart in any of Kevin Smith’s masterpieces. Now maybe I’m biased because I love Kevin Smith, or because I love good, quality movies, but any of you communists who hated this movie can lick my balls. And you can quote my on that. Over all I give this movie a 10 out of 10 = One Shit-Covered Porn Film Maker’s Face.

Blow Me, Heroes

Fuck you Heroes. Yeah, you heard me. And Tim Kring can kiss my ass too. After watching the episode this past Monday I realized once again how aggravating and emotionally exhausting it is to watch this show week to week. See, I missed the first season and watched it all on DVD, so if there was a crazy cliffhanger ending (which there seems to be in every fucking episode) I could instantly watch the next episode to see what happened and wouldn't go to bed trying to guess how the hell whatever crazy twist just assaulted my senses was going to be resolved. And then after a superb first season, Tim Kring decided to make a classic hollywood move and alienate the many fans of his popular new show by making it crap. The whole bullshit with Hiro "stuck" in the past drew on for far too long. I actually found myself getting ready to take my bathroom breaks during the part in the episode where Hiro showed up with his childhood hero Takezo Kensei (AKA Adam Monroe) instead of during the commercials. Yes, that's right, I would rather have sat through some advertisement for more absorbent tampons than sit through that shit. Hiro can control time and space! How can he possible be "stuck" in any time period?!? He just warps the fuck out.

And now I'm stuck here in the third season, which is infinitely better than the second season despite some shifty writing devices (So Nikki Sanders was one of a set of triplets? I mean seriously, if Ali Larter has some kind of air-tight contract then put her in flashbacks or some shit. Triplets? Really?? That's the BEST you could do?). And I love the show and the fact that a show about super heroes is on prime time, I'm just tired of the constant cliff-hanger endings and the overall slow pace of the show despite more action per capita than the two previous seasons. Seriously, I am sick of this shit. I mean two episodes ago Hiro all of the sudden stabs Ando through the heart because crazy fear-strength guy tells him to? You knew something had to be afoot, but still the writing left no clue so it could have been that Hiro had become a complete and total asshole. And now Peter is finally going to stir some shit up and he finds his father (still alive for some reason) who STEALS HIS FUCKING POWERS?!? And then the show just ENDS!!!! Honestly, I was up half the night, and I was actually stressed out by this shit. It is so infuriating watching this show. I love it, but I'm probably going to have to wait for the DVD to come out to watch the rest of it, because I simply cannot watch a show every week that raises my blood pressure like that. It's like having psychological blue-balls (is that one word or two?) every week trying to wrap my head around the ending. And I'm sick of it. So now I have to find a way to masturbate my psyche to relieve all this fucking stress. I've got one more word for you Tim Kring: fuck. Just, fuck. I love your show, but I hate it so, so much at the same time.

Screen Legend Paul Newman Dead at 83

I know this post is a bit late, but for those of you haven't heard Paul Newman is dead. He passed away on September 26, 2008 losing a long battle to cancer. He is one of the few actors who has reached true Legendary status and is an iconic figure in cinematic history. From the sound of it he was also a pretty great guy in real life as well. Besides the fact that he was married for fifty years (to the same woman), a feat almost completely unheard of in Hollywood, he was also a philanthropist of massive proportions. All proceeds from the Newman's Own food line that bore his name and image were donated to charity.

Before he left us, though, he gave us countless unforgetable performances. From his classic on-screen team-ups with Robert Redford in the classics "The Sting", and "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (a personal favourite of mine) all the way to "The Color of Money" and 2002's "Road to Perdition" there was never a role that he did not seem to embrace wholeheartedly. He always seemed to effortlessly enter into the headspace of all the characters he portrayed and take the audience on the journey with him. He truly was a giant of a man and his legacy will undoubtedly live on for generations to come.