Saturday, December 31, 2011

Holy Fucking 100 Posts Batman!

I have nothing applicable to say about the current situation, guy
Well this is it.  The official 100th post here at Feed the Voices in Your Head.  I guess that means... something.  100 is a significant number in our culture.  100 is basically the benchmark by which we measure success.  100 percent is the best you can do.  Plus if you physically rearrange the numbers you can make them look like a cock and balls.

My first instinct to mark this momentous occasion was to compile a list of my Top 100 Blog Posts and then list all of the my blog posts up to and including this one, which seemed self-serving narcissistic and just plain lazy which I suppose kind of encapsulates the general spirit of this blog.  Then I thought about doing something cute like reviewing the movie CENTURION which I recently watched and sort of fit into the 100 theme and the movie theme.  Then I thought about just posting various shots of almost nude Spartan warriors from 300 because what's better than 100 than 300, right?  Then I thought about jerking off.  So I did.

Then in that zen moment that always comes after choking one's own chicken I realized that mine was just another self-obsessed relatively ineffectual blog in a sea of self-obsessed ineffectual blogs in that amorphous, nearly undecipherable realm known only as the Blogosphere which was only slightly more annoying than that other amorphous, nearly undecipherable realm known as the Twilight Zone.  Unfortunately because of a whole slew of dipshits who use blogs to complain and/or obsess about celebrities who have completely destroyed what little credibility the rest of us who have at least a modicum of intelligence had left.  Blogs have become synonymous with whiny, lactose intolerant, overweight losers living off of Doritos and Mountain Dew in their parent's basement wasting what little time they have left due to the early onset of diabetes and malnutrition by complaining about Christian Bale's Batman voice (which was perfect, you dickheads, just like everything else he does).

In the grand scheme of things perhaps most blogs aren't all that significant outside of a very small circle of influence.  Back in the day when blogs were more of a novelty and there was still a remnant of elitism the Shit to Awesome ratio was a lot lower and people were probably more likely to keep searching and reading because there was a higher probability of reading something (relatively) significant, or entertaining, or -god forbid- artistic.  There was apparently a Golden Era of Blogging when it was even possible to Rise Above, get noticed, and become a commercially viable celebrity, probably the most famous example of which is Julie & Julia.  Now that everybody and his transgendered grandmother has a blog the genre itself has become watered down and lost a great deal of credibility.  Because you have to wade through so much shit to get even a nugget of awesomeness it deters all but the most stalwart of adventurers from donning their snorkels and flippers and diving into that great ocean of feces to find something that makes enduring the general stink worthwhile.

For the most part all you end up with is snorkel full of diarrhea, a limp dick, and balls that smell like shit.

But every once in a while you find something worthwhile.  Something entertaining.  Something significant.  Something artistic.  Something with copious references to male genitalia.  In writing this blog I've attempted to fill all of these roles in varying capacities, and whether or not I've succeeded is a matter of personal opinion and whether or not you are a bona fide douchebag.  Now I'm not going to sit here and try to argue the merits of my fucking blog in the grand scheme of the universe, because quite frankly any such argument wouldn't hold up for very long.  However, while I may not be at the top of the cosmic heap neither am I circling the metaphysical drain.  And so, in honour of my 100th post I am going to provide a list of 100 things in the universe that you could experience that are worse than reading this blog to help put things in perspective for all of us.

100 Things in the Universe (In No Particular Order) Worse than Feed the Voices in Your Head

100) Two and a Half Men.
99) Charlie Sheen's comedic pursuits (except for Hot Shots)
98) Turducken
97) Cancer
96) Paper Cuts
95) Adolf Hitler
94) Adolf Hitler's ghost
93) Botched circumcisions
92) Being blinded by staring at a solar eclipse
91) Being blinded by staring at a solar eclipse while being stabbed with a rusty railroad spike
90) People who wear cardigans unironically
89) Disco
88) Ugly babies
87) Having to lie to the parents of ugly babies about how cute you think they are due to social constraints
86) The Snuggie
85) The cancellation and subsequent (and baffling) erasure from the public consciousness of Junkyard Wars
84) Ditto for Robot Wars
83) Taxation without representation
82) Taxation in general
81) Spontaneous combustion
80) Premeditated combustion
79) The presidency of anybody with the first name "George" and the last name "Bush"
78) Any nickname that uses the word "dog" (except Mad Dog)
77) Leprosy
76) Getting a toothpick lodged in your nasal cavity
75) Fucking a stranger without having the common courtesy to give him a reacharound
74) Idiots texting other idiots who are in the same room as them
73) The need for constant validation through texting
72) Being beaten to death by a naked mob of STD-stricken lunatics who club you to death with their penises and dying with the knowledge that you have contracted all known STDs known to man in the space of about twelve seconds (setting a new world record) through bodily orifices (ie. ocular (a second world record, by the way)) that no one should contract STDs through
71) Eating a bowl full of shit
70) Eating a bowl full of shit and discovering that you actually enjoyed it
69) Waking up one morning to discover that the high point of your day is eating a bowl of shit
68) Waking up one morning to discover that the high point of your day is bashing your head against the wall of your office in a futile, half-assed attempt to either A) kill yourself or B) go on workman's comp because eating a bowl of shit has become so routine for you that it is no longer the high point of your day
67) AIDS
66) A giant meteor NOT killing all the dinosaurs and having them run amok in downtown New York
65) A fork in the eye
64) Being the last man alive in the entire world and having to live out your days with Natalie Portman who it turns out is the last woman alive in the world (after some horrible apocalypse, potentially viral in nature) and it also turns out that she is willing to have sex with you as frequently as you want and in increasingly depraved scenarios involving farm animals and biological waste, but discovering that the two of you aren't actually sexually compatible and the spark "just isn't there"
63) Those really, really, tight jeans that emo kids wear
62) Crucifiction
61) Eating your own words
60) Eating somebody else's boot with a side of your own teeth
59) Nicholas Cage's inexplicably changing and increasingly bizarre hair styles
58) Being stuck on a desert island with Rosie O'Donnell
57) AIDS
56) Top 100 lists
55) Getting my pubes caught in your mom's teeth
54) Waiting in a line
53) Making a heap of all your winnings and betting on on a game of pitch and toss then losing and subsequently starting again at your beginnings and never breathing a word about your loss
52) Obscure poetry references
51) Watching golf
50) Playing golf
49) Hearing about golf
48) Ditto for 51-49 about baseball
47) Having a rabid wolverine in your underwear
46) The secret death of George Lucas and his subsequent replacement with a robot programmed by a jealous Steven Spielberg to completely destroy Lucas's legacy
45) Blue balls
44) Green balls
43) Snorting a pile of sewing needles into your nasal cavity
42) The Cleveland Show
41) People with a sense of entitlement.  Like people who (slowly) cross the street whenever and wherever they want without looking for traffic, simply expecting vehicles to magically stop for them despite icy conditions, Toyotas with malfunctioning brakes, distracted drivers, or larger vehicles that can't stop on a fucking dime you self-absorbed morons!  I know cars are supposed to stop, but there are myriad reasons why they might not be able to stop.  It's not the fact that I don't want them to get hit by ten tons of transport trailer carrying biohazardous waste (because I kind of do) but just the fact that they feel so entitled that they literally expect the world to stop for them
40) Dehydration
39) Kissing a corpse
38) Getting rusty fish hooks caught in your ball sack
37) Being raped by a silverback gorilla
36) Having regular sex with a silverback gorilla (they don't like to cuddle afterwards)
35) A botched suicide attempt.  There's really nothing more depressing than being so inept you can't even commit suicide properly
34) Meet The Parents, Meet the Fockers, and The Third Retarded Meet The Parents Movie
33) Improperly fitting underwear
32) Cum stains on your clothes.  I always thought it was some kind of urban myth, but I'm slowly discovering that they really are very difficult to get out if you allow them to set, even after multiple runs through the wash
31) Your mom in a three way with me and my lubed up fist
30) Waaaazzzzzzzuuuuuuppppp!!!  (need I say more?)
29) Vegetables on a pizza
28) Vegetables lodged in your rectum
27) The letter Q.  What a fucking useless letter.  It's so unversatile.  It's used in only about 1% of the words in the English language (in fact I'm pretty sure this is the first and only time it appeared in this entire post, although I'm too lazy to actually go back and check), is so codependent it always has to be paired with the letter U and could easily be replaced by other letters (ie. C, K, and W).  In fact, while we're cleaning up our alphabet, can we please get rid of either the C or the K seeing as they represent THE EXACT SAME FUCKING SOUND!  I don't care which one.  Put them both in the ring of death and let them duke it out.  (And no, we don't need the C to make the same sound the S already makes as well).  What, was Jesus on crack when he invented English?
26) Podcasts with less hits per month (or all time on Jellycast) than Cylon Bingo
25) Frostbite
24) Nuclear holocaust
23) Zombie apocalypse
22) Having to shoot a family member who has become a zombie
21) Chocolate without peanut butter
20) A lifetime devoid of orgasms
19) Puncturing your ear drum with shards of broken glass
18) Walking in on your parents having sex
17) Your parents walking in on you having sex (with your hand or a real human being)
16) Going to an orgy and finding out the next day that the guy in the pink flamingo mask who you gave a blow job to (the first and last time- for real this time, I swear) was actually your own father
15) 80 year old breasts
14) Losing a race to a turtle.  Stupid fucking rabbit.  The only moral to that story was never trust a rabbit to complete even the simplest of tasks
13) Third degree burns
12) Home movies
11) Shitty Halloween costumes
10) Dollar store condoms.  Just imagine a warehouse in China full of children crafting your prophylactic then put it back on the shelf
9) Organized religion
8) Getting shot in Reno by some fuck who just wanted to watch you die
7) Arrogant raccoons
6) 90% of Saturday Night Live
5) Vampires that sparkle in the day light
4) David Letterman Top Ten Lists
3) A football in the groin
2) That awkwardness after you make a really cool reference that nobody else in the conversation gets and the subsequent frustration when you realize that all those lamos think you're lame even though your reference was totally awesome and applicable to the situation and they're the ones who are out of the loop and who are uneducated swine with no culture or sophistication.  It couldn't be you.  Your reference was bang on and you have your finger on the pulse and not far from the pulse and up your ass
1) Any time in your life when you're not fucking

There you go, another 100 reasons to stay home and read this blog than go out in the real world and put up with a bunch of bullshit.  Just in case you were so insecure that you needed some kind of validation for what you do in your own free time.

Because I know I sure don't.