Sunday, February 14, 2016

Valentine's Day... Bummer

It's the end of the world the world as
we know it and I feel... witty and
charming with an offbeat sense
of humour, like always.
For those of you not hip to the proper channels, you might not be aware of your impending doom. Which is probably for the best, because in cases of apocalyptic goings-on, the old adage that ignorance is bliss probably rings the truest. I know that a lot of us had big plans for the future--starting up that surgery-for-hire business, drinking from the skull of Elvis Presley to enhance our virility, burying all of those dead bodies that we've been storing in our basements all winter.

But unfortunately, we will never have the chance to do any of that stuff.

Bill Murray uncovered the truth back in 1989. In Ghostbusters II, the sequel that the world didn't realize it needed until it was too late, Bill Murray reprises his role as the eccentric Dr. Peter Venkman, who is no longer ghostbusting and is instead hosting a low-budget cable talk show. While interviewing a couple of totally legit psychics (including Shia LaBeouf's movie dad from Transformers) he gets a pretty specific date for the end of the world from Danny DeVito's girlfriend from Twins.

February 14, 2016.

If there's one thing that Bill Murray is known for it is ferreting out the truth from the darkest reaches of the universe and the minds of alien abductees. And showing up randomly in the middle of zombie apocalypses. So let's hope that this turns out to be one of those.

On the bright side, nothing is surer to get those juices flowing the the End of Everything as We Know It. If history has taught us anything it's that there's no more potent aphrodisiac for the human species than death and destruction on an epic scale. So come Valentine's day this year, hold your loved one tight or stick close that seemingly uncrackable nut sure in the knowledge that though the end of the world is nigh, you're almost certain to get your dicks wet one last time before the whole thing comes crashing down.


Tuesday, February 09, 2016

There are Badasses and Then There are Legendary Badasses. Thank You, Riddick, for this Bounty We are About to Receive.

Out of all of the badasses that have ever appeared on film, Richard B. Riddick is certainly one of the most resilient. This guy takes a licking like nobody's business, but refuses to give up no matter how ridiculously and outlandishly the odds seem to be against him. And with director David Twohy, you can bet your hover bike that the odds, like everything else in his films, will almost certainly be ridiculous and outlandish. Riddick is a walking contradiction of sorts, because when he puts his mind--and his pecs-- to it, he seems like an unstoppable force of nature, but somehow he always seems to find himself in trouble all the way up to his gloriously bald, badass head that you could probably bend sheet metal on if that was the sort of thing that floated your boat.

In that way, Riddick is a lot like Rocky, in that they're both established as champions yet always seem to be the underdog in their own narratives. The Rocky series went through great lengths with each installment to knock its titular pugilist down enough pegs so that he was forced to crawl his way back to the top, and Riddick, it seems, is no different. His third time out, now simply titled Riddick, sees the escaped convict and murderer turned leader of an intergalactic death cult stranded on a random planet fighting for survival against alien dogs, alien giant scorpions, and (technically) alien bounty hunters.