Monday, March 28, 2011

Come With Me if You Want to Cum

A few weeks ago I rewatched TERMINATOR: SALVATION for the same reason a lot of people do: they bought the special edition BluRay with the extended cut and wanted to see Moon Bloodgood's tits.  (On a side note, is that a real fucking name?  Is there  Mr. and Mrs. Bloodgood out there somewhere with stacks of TERMINATOR: SALVATION giving it out to visitors telling them "That's out daughter!"  Or was that her stripper name?  Or is she a digital character left over from LORD OF THE RINGS?  "Destroy them, Bloodgood!  They have the ring!")  I freeze-framed through the criminally short scene, washed my hands, and continued watching the movie.  Soon after the much-anticipated partial nudity there was a sex scene between Sam Worthington's character Marcus Wright and Bloodgood's character Blair Williams and I was suddenly struck by a conundrum that was far more troubling than time travel or robotic assassins made of liquid metal or stealth "infiltrator" cyborgs who were somehow to remain inconspicuous with thick, Austrian accents.  The problem I faced revolved around the question: "Do Terminators fuck?"

Now the short answer to that question according to TERMINATOR:SALVATION is "Yes."  However, let us examine the implications of this answer.  First of all in order for a Terminator -a cyborg that is more man than machine- to engage in sexual intercourse it would first have to have fully functioning set of genitalia.  Since most of the Terminators in the movie franchise were male and the Terminator in SALVATION was male, let's focus specifically on the penis.  Let us assume for the sake of this argument that there really is a watertight, completely logical explanation as to why these killing machines were equipped with half mechanical schlongs that pertained, perhaps, to their purported function as infiltrators - essentially, deep cover spies.  Now if we're working under that assumption then the Terminator's manufactured dicks would have to pass for the genuine article.  The first thing a counterfeit cock would need to be able to do would be to simulate various states of being: essentially have a erection.  But not just an erection.  It would have to look convincing flaccid as well as erect and would have to appear to an outside observer (ie. whatever hot piece of ass the Terminator was banging - because Terminator's don't do fat chicks) to become erect in a natural way (ie. not too quickly or too linearly like a simple set of hydraulics simply pushing out).  It would have to pass both the visual and the tactile tests, because as a deep cover operative you never know what kind of situation you might find yourself in.  I mean, you can't always just walk in the room and pull down your pants to reveal a perfectly sculpted, raging hard boner.  In the heat of the moment she might reach down your pants and start stroking you off and a simple piston shooting out would be a dead give away.  As I'm sure you're all aware an erection occurs as the result of the the spongy tissue in the penis -the corpora cavernosa and corpus spongiosum- becoming engorged with blood due to sexual stimulation, be it physiological or psychological.  So the cyborg penis would have to have some kind of mechanism that contained a spongy substance that reacted in a similar manner when introduced to liquid which would have to be able to be pumped in and out of said tissue via a pump of some kind and said system would have to be self-contained.

OK, so now let's assume that we have a system like the one described above with a spongy substance that engorges when a liquid is pumped into it and goes soft again once the liquid is pumped out.  The second problem that the designers of the mechano-dick would face would be ejaculation (but don't worry, there's a pill for that).  Now we've got a dick that looks real and becomes erect but it still has to blow its load all over some post-apocalyptic tits, presumably for the sake of espionage.  This one might be a little bit more tricky.  See, the erection can be computed by the Terminator's "neural net processor," but usually getting an erection doesn't take that long.  It's far trickier to come up with an algorithm to determine the average time until ejaculation.  I mean, you can't just set a timer or the resistance hottie you're sporking will eventually clue in to the fact that it takes you exactly six and a half minutes to reach ejaculation - the average for human males between the ages of eighteen and thirty.  And boom!  There goes your cover and you might promptly be smashed into scrap metal.  It's hard out there for a cybernetic pimp.  You'd have to have some kind of program to make the Terminator blow his load at random intervals and varying intensities during sexual intercourse to make it seem more organic.  Logistically you'd also have to have a storage tank filled with some kind of white substance to simulate the ejaculate because although Terminators are covered in organic tissues they don't have all the necessary internal organs like a prostrate to actually produce any bodily fluids.  Even Marcus Wright didn't have all of his internal organs, just a brain and a heart, and presumably some kind of rudimentary circulatory and digestive system (just wait for my follow up article "Do Terminators Shit?"  Prepare to have your mind blown) in order to keep those two organic organs alive.  So you'd have to have a sizable storage tank to hold your virtual spooge, because once again you don't know how long your Terminator's deep cover mission might last.

Now you might be thinking (or yelling loudly to the heavens, I don't know what kind of freak you might be) that this is all just idle speculation by some dude obsessed with dicks, but really this logistical point is pivotal to the entire continuity of TERMINATOR: SALVATION.  Everything in the movie hinges on Marcus Wright's dick functioning just like a real one.  You see in order for the movie to make sense Marcus can't know he's a Terminator any earlier than he does or else the whole narrative falls apart.  Even before he has to pass the Williams/Bloodgood Cock Lie Detector Test he has to be able to fool a tougher critic: himself.  I mean imagine you wake up in some strange medical lab and you begin wandering the post-apocalyptic landscape scavenging for food and you're lying there huddled under some rock all alone on a Friday night and what are you going to do?  Well, after mourning the loss of everyone and everything you held dear, you're going to rub one out.  Now the problems are compounded because you have a human brain that has to be fooled not only by the feel of the erection and the ejaculation, but also by the actual physical sensation, which would necessitate organic nerve endings in the hands and the penis.  Essentially, you have to program a device so well that it has to fool itself.

And this to me is the most ludicrous part of TERMINATOR: SALVATION.  How could Marcus not have known he wasn't really yanking his own trouser snake and by extension realized that something was terribly amiss about his own body and not discovered his true nature much sooner in the movie thereby completely altering the storyline of the movie?  But I have to put all that aside and assume that the designers covered all the problems I just discussed in a board meeting and implemented them on the assembly line.  For me the willing suspension of disbelief revolves not around marvels of robotics or time-travelling paradoxes but in the problems with fooling a machine with his own dick as he jerks off in the ruins of some old shell of a building.  It's going to be hard (pun intended) to go back and watch TERMINATOR: SALVATION again with this new mindset, but I guess if I want to enjoy the movie I'll have to put my intellectual analysis aside and not be so nitpicky.  I just hate to be left with such a philosophical mess on my hands (pun also intended).                 


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