Iron Men Have all the Fun...

Well the inevitable sequel to Iron Man finally hit theatres and my partner in crime -Bonegod- and I went to witness the spectacle. From the beginning I had high hopes for the aptly titled IRON MAN 2 due in large part to the great ad campaign and Jon Favreau's involvement as director. I thoroughly enjoyed the first film and was looking forward to the next one like a blowjob and a fine cup of coffee.

The plot follows billionaire industrialist playboy Bruce Wa- er I mean Tony Stark AKA Iron Man as he fends off enemies from all sides. Fellow industrialist Justin Hammer is trying to out-Stark Stark with his own military exoskeletons, a scary Russian technical genius named Ivan Vanko with a personal vendetta against the Stark family and tries to exact his revenge with his very own power suit complete with badass (and somewhat kinky) electrical whips and even the US government is trying to get all up in his business and try to take his Iron Man technology away by legal means. Through it all there are several subplots involving Nick Fury and Natasha Romanoff AKA Black Widow obviously trying to set up the eventual Avengers movie, Tony's rocky friendship with Lt. Col. James Rhodes, and a brief look at Tony's bout with alcoholism as well as his failing health due to now obsolete technology. In the end all of this, of course, leads up to a giant action sequence at the end of the movie.

Between all the explosions, hot babes, and special effects, IRON MAN 2 attempts to capitalize on the expectation that the core of the summer blockbuster is supposed to be pure fun.  It only partially succeeds. Not nearly on the same level as the first Iron Man,  Favreau and Downey Jr. deliver a passable superhero movie. This movie picks up pretty much exactly where the last one left off with Tony Stark revealing his secret identity to the world. This movie had a nice twist as Mr. Stark dealt with the revelation of his alter ego under the close scrutiny of the public eye. This added another level of conflict not seen in other movies in the same vein. But really, all the conflict was merely an excuse to show a bunch of dudes in various incarnations of Iron Man's suit beating the shit out of each other. And beat the shit out of each other they did.

Much to my friend Bonegod's chagrin I now have to compare any comic book movie adaptation to the ultimate entry in that genre (so far) THE DARK KNIGHT. Some might say because TDK was so perfect that it would be unfair to judge any movie -let alone a mere comic book movie- by such dick-hardening standards. But unfortunately that's the way the fucking world works. You don't lower the bar so the lesser can succeed. Unfortunately, the comparison was difficult in this case because the two films were not exactly playing the same sport. This was a far different beast than TDK and from the get go set a far less serious tone. This is not a thinking man's movie and the plot was far from Shakespearian. This might sound like I'm bashing the movie (and I guess to a certain extent that might be true) but there's only so far you can get on style alone.

A great deal of the credit for what successes there are in this film lies with director Jon Favreau who obviously had a clear idea of who he thinks Tony Stark/Iron Man is, a clear idea of the tone he wanted to set for the movie, and a clear idea of where he wanted to take the character. This kind of consistency and coherence go a long way to making this a fun and entertaining ride despite this movie having far, far less substance than the first. The characters have a lot of comedic moments but the characters have just enough depth to keep them from being laughable and cartoony, though it was slightly disappointing that Tony Stark had no character arc per se as he was kind of "reset" to the irresponsible asshole that he was at the beginning of Iron Man.

Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man is an excellent choice and you can tell he's having a great deal of fun in the role. Don Cheadle stepped up as James Rhodes/War Machine in this go around (taking over, of course, from Terrence Howard) and he did an excellent job once again displaying his acting range as he is torn between his friendship with Tony and his duty to the military. Gwyneth Paltrow once again proved the perfect foil and straight woman for chronically irresponsible Tony as Pepper pots. Another gem was Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer. Sam Rockwell is easily one of the best actors of his generation and I hope to see him in a lot more flicks in the future. Mickey Rourke gave an excellent turn as Ivan Vanko and gave the best Russian accent I've heard since Famke Janssen in Goldeneye. Although not quite as sexy as Famke (though it's pretty close) Rourke is an excellent and formidable villain and proves once again that he is back and here to stay. He also cuts quite an imposing figure and I think without the suits this guy would have torn Tony in half. Fuck that guy is built. Scarlett Johansson was surprisingly less annoying than usual. To me she is still just a pretty face (and a great ass) with practically no acting ability. While this movie didn't erase all of that she did do a commendable job and did some kick-ass action scenes. Sam Jackson. That's all I have to say because no matter what he's in I fucking love him, especially when he plays a bad ass motherfucker (wallet or no wallet) and his portrayal of Nick Fury was great as usual.

For a summer blockbuster, the pacing seemed a little odd.  There were a couple excellent action scenes at the racetrack and at the end with the cluster-fuck of bad guys but in between there was very little else. In my mind this kind of movie thrives on action, so to starve it halfway through seems counterproductive. Yes, Tony Stark has drinking problems and yes he's having health issues and yes he has daddy issues, but really who gives a shit? Sure a drunk Iron Man dancing at a party is funny, but I just want to see less of that and more of him -and War Machine- fucking up bad guys. I mean it all made sense and it didn't feel extraneous or anything, it just could have used a few more action beats in the middle. More of Mickey Rourke destroying things would have been nice too. His character comes in pretty early (right in the credits!) and then he kind of disappears until near the end. When he was there he was great but the character seemed thoroughly underused.The only other issue I have is that the plot could have had a little more depth. I mean it was pretty good but it was pretty predictable and there were no real surprises. The bad guys were bad, the good guys were good with no shades of grey.

Other than that what we have here is an action flick that entertains the kids but also has just enough substance and adult humour not so much to entertain but at least to distract mature audiences. The action (when there was action) was great, the special effects were superb and the actors did an excellent job. It was fun but not quite on par with the first film. I especially like all the allusions to the Avengers which I hope to god gets made because in the right hands could totally blow our minds as well as our loads. I also loved how they established just how powerful Iron Man really is. I mean this one "weapon" has basically ensured world peace because all the terrorists and scum around the world are scared shitless of this thing and no other country is even close to duplicating this power. I would like to see how Iron Man fared against some other adversaries though. So far all he's fought are other people with other power suits or power suit drones. I mean how would he stand up against the Abomination for example? Or does technology just trump biology in this universe? What about Iron Man vs. Wolverine? Or better yet, Iron Man vs. Magneto? Bets anyone?

Something else I really enjoyed was the inclusion of War Machine. It was pretty cool to see this guy kick some serious ass. I always thought that having a giant fucking machine gun mounted on your shoulder looked cool. I mean, look at Blastoise. The filmmakers did an excellent job at including him and making his presence felt but not having it overpower or upstage Iron Man. That end battle was enjoyable enough, and even though the final showdown with Whiplash was disappointingly short, it would make even Jesatan think twice about battling these two titans.

While not nearly on par with the its predecessor, IRON MAN 2 is a nice little distraction, though hopefully not an indication of where Marvel is heading with their movies. Also stay around after the credits and you'll get a nice little, tasty treat. IRON MAN 2 gets a solid 6.5/10 = Two Shining Metallic Heads One With a Mounted Machine Gun Next to It With Ominous Glowing Eyes.

Farewell Dennis Hopper

Sadly on May 29 of this year of our lord 2010 actor and world-class talent Dennis Hopper passed away after a battle with prostate cancer at the age of 74. His long and distinguished career is marked with movies that continue to inspire and entertain generation after generation. He was perhaps best known for the classic Easy Rider which is still hailed as one of the most influential movies of all time. He is also known by movie fans the world over for his eccentric and excellent performance in Apocalypse Now.

I'll always remember Dennis Hopper as a top performer who always gave every performance nothing but his very best. Growing up I remember him as King Koopa in the ill-concieved Super Mario Bros. and then later as the bad guy with a love for explosives in Speed. I know a lot of people hated the movie, but I loved Waterworld, and Hopper once again played the perfect villain. But for me his best performance by far was in True Romance. His scene with Christopher Walken still wows me to this day and stands as a shining example of acting at its finest. How he never recieved even an Oscar nod for that brilliant performance is beyond me.

Having been a staple in the acting world for over five decades and been firmly imbedded in the collective consciousness of generations of moviegoers his death came as a huge blow and he will be sorely missed by friends, family, and fans alike. Godspeed.

Clash of the Balls

I always hate it when I get to watch a movie that has a well-written script, a logical, coherent story with characters that the audience can get emotionally invested in, excellent directing and Academy Award winning (because that apparently still means something) acting. Luckily for me then that Legendary and Warner Bros. brought the piece of shit they call "Clash of the Titans" to the big screen. In so-called 3D no less, so we could witness the mess in 3 inglorious dimensions. It is my intention to explain to you why this movie completely sucked big hairy goat balls. This is, of course, no difficult feat as the movie makers seem intent on showing just how terrible a movie they could make right from the very getgo with the terrible tag line "Titans Will Clash" which caused my friend Brian and I no end of amusement. It was so terrible and stupid it almost seemed like they were preemptively making fun of themselves before anyone else could. But I'll do it anyway.

The first thing I want to get off my chest is how stupid the title of the movie is with regards to the content of the movie itself. Consider this your PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE WARNING. First of all for anyone with even the slightest background in ancient Greek mythology the word "Titan" refers to a race of gods, led by Cronos, who ruled the universe before Zeus and the Olympian gods totally kicked their asses all the way to Tartarus. So to me, after hearing a title like "Clash of the Titans" (and disregarding the 80's movie of the same name) it would call to mind a story of supernatural political upheaval where the old regime -the Titans- are overthrown by the young, oppressed, and often undigested (look up the hole story yourself you lazy bastard) proletariat -the Olympians- who are looking to set up a new dynasty and establish peace and presperity.

This would be pretty cool actually. There would be the generational thing with the younger, idealistic group overthrowing a corrupt monarchy, with some help even from the inside, so you have the "allegiance-to-your-leader-versus-doing-the-right-thing" theme. Then you have the whole emotionally poignant "father-versus-son" theme with Cronos the old king having to deal with Zeus and his band of young rebels. And then you have the whole "unlikely-hero-taking-the-lead-in-the-rebellion" conflict with Zeus and his freed brothers and sisters because Zeus is the youngest so why should he lead? You get a cool "hidden-from-your-father-at-birth-so-he-won't-kill-you-living-a-peaceful-life-but-having-to-fulfil-your-destiny" theme as Zeus eventually leaves hiding to confront his tyrannical father. You can even have a cool god in training montage as Zeus forges his own lightning bolts and does pushups on a pile of skulls or whatever. Unfortunately, this is not the movie we got.

Then there is the modern definition of titan: "somebody whose power, achievement, intellect, or physical size is extraordinarily impressive." So a "Clash of the Titans" would be some kind of ideological or physical confrontation between two or more of these "extaordinarily impressive" individuals. This would either be the aforementioned Pantheon of gods, or some mere mortals, presumably clashing with each other. Unfortunately, this is not the movie we got. Then there was the actual myth of Perseus. He and his mother were set adrift in a coffin by his father, king Acrisius, who feared the prophecy that Perseus would eventually kill him and take over his throne. Then the good king Polydectes eventually sends Perseus on a crazy quest to kill the crazy snake head lady Medusa so he could bang his mom when he was gone. Along the way he rescues and marries the princess Andromenda and turns a shit-ton of people to stone with the severed Gorgon's head before fulfilling the prophecy his birth-father had so feared. This cautionary tale of bravery and self-determination versus destiny, again, was not the movie we got.

There were no "titans" of any type in this movie. "Clash of the Titans" was a jumbled, convoluted mess, with forgetable characters and virtually no coherence to speak of. And to top it all off the special effects weren't even that good. The 3-D especially sucked balls. I mean I had heard that "Avatar" was really the only movie EVER to have done 3-D properly, so being the open-minded critical thinker that I am I decided to give "Clash" a try in the mythical Third Dimension! And I am inclined to agree that "Avatar" is still the only movie to rock 3-D, even with all the new tech. Apparently they retrofitted this movie with 3-D, the difference being that with "Avatar" the 3-D process began during filming with multiple cameras and movies like "Clash" the process began in the editing room where they digitally separated elements in the movie and in general made it look like crap. Half the time you could barely tell there was 3-D and when you could tell it looked like things such as the actors heads were stretched and deformed. All in all the 3-D did not help this movie in any way shape or form.

The (a-hem) plot follows our (a-hem) hero Perseus. He and his mother are set adrift at sea in what is essentially a coffin after his father founds out she fooled around with the god Zeus. A simple fisherman finds the coffin and opens it to find a young Perseus clinging to his dead mother. Then all of the sudden without so much as a montage we find a grown up Perseus out fishing with the family trying to make a living. Then, for no explicable reason, a bunch of soldiers tear down the giant of a god (I believe it's Zeus) on a cliff high above them. I suppose this was meant to be some sort of bold declaration of war by humanity on the gods, some assertion of self-determination and a denial of these far away beings who arbitrarily imposed their will on the downtrodden mortals. The motive is never entirely made clear and what could have been the beginning of a recurring theme is merely another loose end that never gets tied up.

Anywho, the destruction of this statue aparently really pisses off Hades (god of the underworld) who appears and starts fucking shit up and killing the soldiers. Perseus's family are killed in the ensuing conflict which is loosely used as the motivation for Perseus to later go questing with the usual band of merry -and slightly homoerotic- male companions. For some reason the soldiers bring the grief-stricken Perseus to see the local royals, King Kepheus and Queen Cassiopeia. The good queen then for some reason compares boldly declares that she and her daughter -Andromeda- are more beautiful than the gods. This again, for some reason, really seems to piss off Hades who once again shows up to fuck shit up. He kills the queen and says that they must sacrifice Andromeda to the Kraken to appease the gods or the city of Argos will be destroyed.

Then for no reason Perseus -now revealed to be the son of Zeus- decides to go on a quest to save the young princess. Along the way they encounter the hideously deformed Calibos -formily king Acrisius- terribly CG giant scorpions, crazy old witches, mighty winged horses, strange, blue-faced racial stereotypes, Charon, and finally Medusa. Perseus, with absolutely no training, somehow manages to be the only one to servive all these perils and make it back to Argos to kill the Kraken, rescue the princess and send Hades packing.

The biggest problem with the movie -aside from a lack of consistency- is total lack of motivation. There was no reasonable explanation as to why any of the characters (god or mortal) did what they did. Perseus is given no really significant, personal motive to hate the gods and reject all their help, aside from being a shitty fisherman and then blaming the gods. He is then given no clear motivation for finally accepting their help after he so firmly established that he wanted to set himself apart from them. Hades has no reason to hate the mortals, or to be so antagonistic with his brother Zeus. Zeus, in turn, is given no real motivation later for turning on his fellow gods and aiding Perseus directly.

Something else that really annoyed me is this determination that modern filmmakers have to villify Hades, the god of the underworld. For some unknown reason he is equated with the Judeo-Christian persona of Satan even though the analogy is completely inacurate. If any of the ancient Greek gods would be considered to be "villainous" a better candidate would be Ares, the god of war, for far more obvious reasons. Perhaps the reason for the anachronistic depiction of Hades is his connection to the "underworld" which is just another word for "afterlife" and so was the guardian of all people's souls not just the evil or unjust. In that way he was like Satan and Jesus all wrapped up into one: Jesatan. Hmmmmmm... I wonder who would win in a fight, Perseus or Jesatan? (Also why the fuck was the Kraken released by Hades lord of the UNDERWORLD? Shouldn't he have been released by Poseidon lord of the SEA? No, I guess that would actually make sense...)

Nitpicking aside this was just a terribly shitty movie. The acting was wooden and forced except for an excellent performance by Mads Mikkelsen (you know, the bad dude who cried blood in Casino Royale) and even Liam Neeson's brilliant work was chopped to shit in the editing room. Sam Worthington, who is being groomed as one of Hollywood's next big action stars, still has yet to prove himself in my mind. His work is lacklustre so far. He has the potential and in the hands of a great director he might do great stuff, but not yet Sammy boy, not yet. Also the ending where Perseus accepts the help of the gods instead of rejecting them and gets rewarded in the process is baffling. If this movie is taken to be an anology of the struggle between Parent and Child then are the filmmakers suggesing that daddy knows best? Or if it meant to represent the struggle between The Common Man and Big Brother it raises the same types of quetions. Or if it was to be taken as the fight between Reason and Faith what message are they trying to get across? The sad thing is that in this short paragraph I have probably put more thought into the movie than the filmmakers put into it through all the weeks and months of shitty filmmaking.

All right I'm done writing about this pile of crap. Thinking about it again just makes me angry and hungry. For having to sit through one of the worst movies not only of the year but of the decade and possibly of all time I give Clash of the Titans a 3/10 = One Soggy, Decomposing Gorgon's Head.

Review for Transformers 2

It's been three or four months now so I guess I should post some kind of review for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I've been putting it off for some time, but it's been weighing on my mind and I can't continue posting about any other movies until I get this shitheap off my pile. It represents everything that is wrong in our society today. I couldn't even come up with a clever title for the post because there is nothing clever about this movie at all.

First of all let's be honest with ourselves. This is a sequel to a movie based on another movie based on a cartoon show based on a series of toys from the 80's; we're not exactly expecting Shakespeare here (Or for our younger audience, we're not exactly expecting whatever-fuckhead-whose-name-I-can't-be-bothered-to-look-up-who-wrote-those-stupid-Twilight-books here.). But as an avid movie-goer and a concerned citizen of at least average intelligence I expected some kind of substance, some... thing, some glue to hold the whole mess together. Instead what I got was what felt like several different stories kind of mashed together a shitload of special effects shoved down my throat, some of the most annoying computer-generated characters in the history of cinema (Totally in the running with Jar-Jar Binks), terrible dialogue, one-dimensional characters and some shots of Megan Fox's breasts and ass.

Let's start with the only (And I mean ONLY) good thing about this movie: the mind-blowing special effects. It is quite obvious that Transformers do indeed exist and that they are indeed on Michael Bay's payroll. That is the only explanation as to how realistic they look on the screen. They have to be real. Everything I know depends on it.

The rest of the movie I could easily have done without. It's like Bay sat back and thought "Hmmmmmm, I wonder what would happen if I took everything that was wrong with the first movie and multiplied it by a factor of fifty in the second movie..." Well wonder no more, because here it is. The annoying and pointless human characters are even more annoying and pointless. I wanted to kill Sam Witwicky's parents. That whole opening scene where they're moving him into college was excrutiating to watch and not funny in the least. Weed brownies? WTF were you thinking Bay, you glorious bastard. This scene is even worse than the "masturbation discussion" from the first film. The problem isn't with the weed or the masturbation, as I normally find these things quite amusing. The problem was they were completely out of context and did not fit in this film. Also they were completely and utterly surpurfluous to the (*insert sarcastic laugh here*) plot. Then they brought back John Turturro's character, who is completely useless and annoying as hell. There were a bunch of others, but who cares? I came to see a movie called Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen not Humans: Out of Two Billion Sperm This is the Best We Could Do?

And then there were the Transformers themselves. There must have been at least a hundred this time, so the film lost focus and I didn't know who was who, nor did I care. The film did not build any kind of empathy for any robotic characters. I know it's a summer blockbuster about giant robots, but there is still this little thing we like to call "good writing." Just small little character arcs or personality traits. This comes with the proviso that these personality traits are not racially offensive or just plain annoying. I'm not sure exactly how racially offensive the twins actually were not being as sensitive to that kind of stuff but I'm pretty sure some cultural groups were being stereotyped there in a terrible, terrible way. No nuance at all. I am, however, as my wife will attest to an expert in annoying, and the Twins were fucking annoying as hell. Every time they came on screen I couldn't help but cringe as I remembered that I actually paid ten dollars to be subjected to this shit. The next time I give Michael Bay ten dollars it had better be for a handjob and an apology. In that order. Then there was the tiny Decepticon humping Megan Fox's leg for some reason, and the old Decepticon Jetfire who had a beard and farted out parachutes for some reason. And of course the giant balls on Devastator which were both disturbing and erotic all at the same time. There were just too many transformers on screen, although it was kind of cool to see Soundwave -an old favourite of mine- show up and cause some shit, even if he wasn't a boombox.

Enough of that shit. Let's briefly examine the "story" of this film. First ehy bring Megatron back to life (of course) and we find out that he isn't even badass, he's just a puppet for this Fallen guy, which to me totally detracts from the strength of that character. Then there are Transformers that can FUCKING TRANSFORM INTO HUMANS!!!! And after it happens there is NO MENTION OF IT AGAIN IN THE REST IF THE MOVIE!!! To me this would be fucking mindblowing, seeing some girl I was trying to bang turn into a robot, but after they dispatch her, they never speak of her again, and this plot device is never used again. Why don't they send hundreds of these robots in disguise as humans to terminate any resistence... oh. Yeah I guess there's the whole ripping off of another franchise thing. But if you were a Decepticon wouldn't you send these infiltrator units to disrupt your enemy and kill them from the inside? Be deceptive if you will? I thought it was a huge thread to drop anyway. Then there's the death of Optimus Prime (Oh, did I forget that SPOILER ALERT again?) which you know must be totally bogus, and it turns out that it is. Then there's the backstory of the Primes and the Matrix of Leadership which all just seems so, not-well thought out. Then there's the convenient plot devices like Jetfire's ability to teleport for some reason, that's used once and never again. The symbols that Sam reads and fucks his brain up, which is also completely forgotten about even though it is the catalyst for the whole story. Not even a mention of it later in the movie. Then when Sam is near death he for some reason ends up in the Transformer's afterlife. So, if I befriend a bunch of strippers, when I die do I go to stripper heaven?

Alright I'm tired of talking about this. Long story short: amazing special effects, terrible everything else (Except for that first shot of Megan Fox's ass and maybe those gigantic robot balls...).

I give this movie a 3/10= One Evil Decepticon Head Being Crushed Between Giant Robotic Balls

What the Poets are Doing

Almost two months ago now (time really flies when you're not having fun) I had the honour and the privelege to see one of my favourite bands -the Tragically Hip- live in concert. For those of you not in the know the Tragically Hip consists of Gordon Downie, Paul Langlois, Rob Baker, Gord Sinclair, and Johhny Fay. I don't know what it is, but ever since I started listening to them something just touched me on a musical level. And not the bad kind of touching like your priest when you were twelve behind the pulpit. The good kind like from a naked Kristen Bell. They can rock hard with the best of them, but for me they are at their best when they are slow and grooving. I could seriously listen to their shit all day long every day and never get tired of it, as my wife will attest to after popping one of my Tragically Hip mix CD's (All music aquired legally of course.) out of the car CD player for like the 90th day in a row. Plus they are a Canadian band which kind of helped sway me over being that I am in fact Canadian, and damn proud of it. If you listen to the lyrics there are tons of Canadian references in their songs, but its not overt like they've got something to prove. I also thoroughly enjoy the lyrics of their songs which are at times so bizarre and esoteric that I cannot help but be mesmerized in between trying to figure out what they mean, trying to apply my own meaning, wondering if they have any meaning at all, and just grooving out, bobbing my head to the beat. Tragically Hip lyrics are for me -at times- like musical marijuana.

But I digress. I haven't been to a lot of concerts, which I'm really starting to regret now and hope to remedy in the future. The few concerts I have been to I always have mixed emotions. When the concert started and the Hip came out on stage it happened again. I was filled with two overwhelming emotions: wonder and disillusionment all at the same time. I mean here are these beings, these musicians, these performers who had previously existed only in modern-day mythology and existed somewhere far away making albums that I bought at my local Wal-Mart and they are actually standing right in front of me. And part of me is in awe because these are the geniuses behind a large part of the soundtrack of my life, who create these amazing works of art, and the other part of me is thinking how small they actually seem. You expect giants, and these musicians seem so small in comparison. You expect gods, but you get men. I'm sure most people go to a concert and just sit back and enjoy the music and don't have some sort of existential, philosophical crisis, but I'm not most people. I know this might sound negative, but I was totally pumped about the show and they did not disappoint, and it was reassuring in some strange way to realize that they were just flesh and blood like me, like if these men were capable of these amazing things then perhaps I too -a mere mortal- might also be capable of great and terrible deeds.

The concert got off to a great start with "New Orleans is Sinking" and took off from there. There was some newer stuff I wasn't familiar with off their latest album (hey, I'm a fan, but I'm not made of money and I usually wait until something goes on sale before I buy it) but they gave a good mix of their newer and older stuff. The songs that really stood out in my mind were: "In View", "Ahead By a Century", "Blow at High Dough", "Wheat Kings", "Bobcaygeon", "Morning Moon", "Courage", "Poets", "Scared", "The Depression Suite" and "Music at Work". The crowd really seemed to go crazy for "Blow at High Dough" and "Bobcaygeon" and I can't say that I blame them. The Hip are great performers and put on an amazing show. I mean there were no crazy pyrotechnics or anything, just the sheer energy that they pumped out into the crowd was amazing, almost tangible. The lead singer Gordon Downie really put the "front" in front man. His energy level was amazing and he was busting out the dance moves. He also pantomimed a robbery at the hands of his microphone stand and used his mic stand to paddle an invisible canoe across the stage. He also had this strange obsession with handkerchiefs which he would use to wipe or cover his face then throw out into the crowd and would promptly be thrown a new one from offstage: a seemingly limitless supply.

It began raining early on in the concert, but for some reason where my friend and I were in the crowd we barely felt it. The wind was also blowing very hard and the rain was clearly being driven into the covered stage soaking the intrepid performers who seemed not to notice at all. But it was all part of the "long and difficult initiation" we endured to become their audience. At one point Downie issued an ultimatum to the crowd; it was "a point of no return" he told us. If we didn't leave at that point -about halfway through the show- then we'd have to stay until the very end. I gratefully accepted the challenge.

I know it sounds ridiculous but it was a truly spiritual experience for me. It was one of those times where time and space seemed to merge and nothing else mattered. I felt truly at peace and the music moved me. It was baptism in rain and weed smoke (which I'm pretty sure I smelled and which is pretty likely to have been at a concert especially in Canada). All in all it was an amazing experience, one I hope not to forget too soon. If you haven't seen the Tragically Hip in concert then I strongly suggest you do so ASAP.

(Also as a side note this concert was the first time I encountered hard security and I got my first pat down. Yeah I know, I don't get out much, but you can all suck my balls. Anyway, after the pat down I went over to get my wristband and I felt the urge rising up inside me. I had to comment. So I said something along the lines of "Was it wrong if that felt good?" The wristband guy just kind of gave me this look and quickly put my wristband on and sent me on my way. My friend (who we'll call Bonegod because that's one of his aliases) could only shake his head in amusement and embarrassment. I guess its a good thing I didn't ask for a happy ending. Anyway the concert was happy ending enough.)

Come With Me If You Want To Live

The aptly titled Terminator: Salvation was about as good a Terminator as we could expect to see given the circumstances. Long before the economic recession hit us we were faced with an intellectual recession which struck Hollywood particularly hard as can be evidenced with the barrage of sequels, prequels and remakes that assault our senses and insult our intellects on a weekly basis. One of the problems is the tendency of big studios to whore out their properties for a quick buck without regard for good story telling, competent acting or exploring larger concepts in any meaningful way. As with Star Trek I was extremely, extremely hesitent to get my hopes up when I heard they were making this movie. And I believe that after the crime against humanity that was Terminator 3, I tink that my apprehension was justified. Honestly when I first heard about it I had absolutely no desire to see it whatsoever. I would rather go swimming in a pool of AIDS-infected, super-intelligent, Nazi sharks than sit through Terminator 3.5 which is what I expected this movie to be. But gradually after reading more about the production, learning of Christian Bale's involvement, and eventually seeing the kick-ass trailers I was slowly won over. The power of adversising. I must admit that I am not totally impervious to it even as I am conscious of its intent.

All that being said I was very impressed with McG's entry into the Terminator pantheon. Although in my humble opinion (which, as my wife constantly reminds me, is completely irrelevent) another Terminator movie shouldn't have been made, I'm glad at least that if it had to be made it turned out to be Terminator: Salvation. Honestly James Cameron's vision was wrapped up quite nicely in Judgement Day and the way it ended didn't really lend itself well to any more sequels and he thoroughly and effectively explored some very important and powerful themes, something sorely lacking in #3 and Salvation. On the surface Terminator 2: Judgement Day was an amazing action film laced with state of the art special effects and a well-written story with characters you could empathize with. But what really made it one of the best movies of all time was that it had something to say. It explored themes like fate versus self-determinism, the value of human lif'e ("If a terminator -a machine- could learn the value of human life, then maybe we can too.") and self-sacrifice for a greater good. Plus it left off with that powerful image of the highway rolling out in front of us indicating that there was hope for the future. The new movies have been reinvented as straight up action movies, and are quite explicit in the fact that we are indeed completely fucked in the future in complete contradiction to the ending scene of Terminator 2.

I know it seems odd that I'm spending so much time review James Cameron's masterpiece when I'm supposed to be reviewing McG's paint by numbers project. This is because Judgement Day is a far superior film and without it Salvation wouldn't exist. You may also wonder why I have yet to mention the first Terminator movie that started it all. Well you can wonder no longer because I just mentioned it.

Anybody who experienced the first two Terminator movies will already know the basic plot of this movie. It outlines the ongoing war between the humans and the machines. The specifics aren't that important. It follows the exploits of John Conner, who is not yet the leader of the resistence and struggling to function within the confines of a larger beaurocracy, which seems to be becoming a common theme in movies these days and reminds me of Morphius in the two Matrix sequels. Along with this there is the story of the mysterious stranger Marcus who finds and befriends a young Kyle Reese, who as we all know ends up going back in time to become the father of John Conner in one of the most famous cinematic time paradoxes and mind-fucks of all time. Of course even if one hadn't seen all the spoilers in the trailers that had been released it wasn't too hard to figure out that Marcus was in fact some new (or old) kind of terminator. As it turns out he is some kind of new terminator with the internal organs of a human being who doesn't even know he's a terminator until about halfway through the movie. Of course all that talk about how strong his heart set off some alarm bells and you just knew it was going to come up later in the movie which it did in a slightly cheesy way.

Everybody kept raving about how Sam Worthington -who portrayed Marcus- put forth a phenomenal performance and was the shining star of the movie. Well in all honesty I was not as easily swayed as some other critics. He did an adequate job, but I was not blown away by anything I saw him do. In my mind Christian Bale was the shining star of the movie, as he is of any movie he is in. Of course those of you who know me know that I consider Bale to be the single best actor working in Hollywood today, and I am completely biased towards him in every way. His portrayal of John Conner was phenomenal. Anton Yelchin held his own as a young Kyle Reese and I'm thinking that we're going to be seeing more of him as he was in not one, but two summer blockbusters (the other, of course, being Star Trek). I'm also looking forward to seeing Worhington in more stuff. Although not blown away by Worthington I'm sure now that he's being groomed to be a leading man in such future blockbusters as Jason and the Argonauts and James Cameron's eagerly anticipated Avatar we'll be seeing lots more of Sammy boy. Bryce Dallas Howard did a good job as John Conner's pregnant wife, although her character was kind of thrown away. John Conner's unborn child for Cyberdine's sake! Common and Moon Bloodgood helped round out John Conner's team of ultimate badasses, and their brooding, tough guy (or gal) characters played into the whole bleak atmosphere of the dystopic future. Also much to my pleasure Michael Ironside made his presence known and didn't disappoint as he is always good for two things: dying and being dismembered. Helena Bonham Carter was also in the movie in a surprise little role which was nice to see.

The only other thing besides giant homicidal robots and Christian Bale that really sold this thing for me was the nostalgia value. I mean you get to see what John Conner was up to, hear some old tapes from Sarah Conner, watch as Marcus taught Kyle Reese some important survival tips (like attatching your gun to your arm with a rope, a nice homage to the original Terminator) and of course the ultimate computer-generated cameo courtesy of Arnold Schwarzenegger. The CGI for the T-800 is honestly some of the best I've ever seen and it totally looked like Arnold, although we never got a shot of T-800 ballsack for total authentisity.

All my negativity aside, I actually did enjoy this film, with the proviso that I hope to God that there are NO MORE TERMINATOR MOVIES. This was a solid action flic with good pacing and top notch special effects. As a Terminator movie I would rate this as a 5/10, but overall I would rate Terminator: Salvation a 7.5/10 = One Evil Cybernetic Soldier's Head With Fantastic Teeth.

The King is Dead. Long Live the King

It's been a week and a half and I still can't quite believe this actually happened. Michael Jackson -the King of Pop- died on Thursday June 25 apparently of cardiac arrest. Despite a personal life plagued with controversy and dark allegations there is no denying the impact he had on the musical scene and on the world at large. From his beginnings with his family in the Jackson Five, to his meteoric rise to fame as a solo artist it was glaringly apparent that he had tremendous talent and a great gift. He had a long list of hit albums perhaps none more famous than Thriller accompanied by the equally famous music video for the titular song complete with dancing zombies, the gold standard by which all music video should be measured. And of course along with the music he presented, Jackson also set a new standard in dancing. One of his most famous dance moves -and arguably one of the most famous of all time- was, of course, the Moonwalk which was been immitated to varying degrees of success by professional dancers and drunen office co-workers the world over. He was also known for his obsurdly long yet epic music videos.

While I never considered myself a huge Michael Jackson fan, I enjoyed a lot of his songs and when I heard about his death it really bothered me. Perhaps it was because he was -despite the controveries- a true legend, and a pop-cultre icon forever cemented in the collective consciousness of the human race. He is one of (please forgive the pun) a dying breed. He stands up there with legends like Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger. It seems like the end of an era. I mean, who will our children and grandchildren have to mourn? Nobody of this calibre. The King is Dead. Long live the King.

David Carradine Dies at Age 72

Actor David Carradine perhaps most famous for his role as Caine in the classic TV series Kung Fu died while filming a movie in Thailand on June 3rd 2009. I was not overly familiar with the show and I know Carradine more from his part in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill Vol. I and II. I also remember seeing Carradine in the TV miniseries North and South as consumate asshole Justin LaMotte. He's done a lot more stuff over the years, but I can only really speak to the work I've seen. It was still pretty cool that at age 72 he was still hard at work making movies and perfecting his craft. Sudden death always seems a lot more tragic and Carradine's case is no different, no matter the circumstances. I have no doubt that his memory will live on for generations to come, cemented as he is in pop culture most notably as the aforementioned Caine. You will be missed young Grasshopper, you will be missed.

Boldly Going Where Many Have Gone Before

Judging from the title of this entry many readers might feel that my opinions about the new Star Trek film are negative or jaded. That couldn't be further from the truth. I just figured it was a clever title seeing as this is the latest in a long, long series of Trek films of varying degrees of quality ranging from pure shit to complete awesomeness. This new film definitely falls into the latter category.

It was, however, with great trepidation and a general air of disapproval that I originally greeted the idea of a remake/reboot/prequel to the shows and movies I had loved and spent so much time with as a child and young adult. (Stress on the "young".) It just seemed like another sign of the times that most of Hollywood was a bloated, dead corpse canibalizing itself for old ideas because it was too stagnant and stupid to come up with anything new. And in a way, I suppose, it still is. But as the release date came ever closer and I heard more and then saw some of the trailers my utter disgust and disdain gradually evolved into a cautious optimism. And with the maverick director like J.J Abrahms I had even more hope for the film. Maybe it wouldn't completely suck balls. Maybe it would just tickle them a little with its tongue and leave the beloved Star Trek canon rest in piece until the great Star Trek Wars (not to be confused with the equally great Star Wars Trek) profesied in Futurama.

While I hoped for (at best) mediocrity, what I got was pure movie gold. The film was fantastic in (almost) every aspect and very accessible both to the hardened Trek fan and to the Star Trek virgin (and by this I mean people who have not seen the show or movies, and not a true virgin like 99% of Trek fans under the age of 60). First let me issue the standard warning for all you crybabies out there that yes this post does indeed include spoilers.

Let's start with the plot / concept. This was hands down the single best idea I've ever seen to reboot/reimagine a major motion picture property. The story starts off with the Federation ship USS Kelvin being attacked by a bad-ass Romulan vessel which we find out later has travelled back in time from the future. During the ensuing firefight a young George Kirk takes command and saves the lives of countless crewmembers, including his son James T. Kirk who is born during the cluster-fuck of the Romulan assault in one of the all-time most intense birth scenes in cinematic history. Then we see a young Spock on his homeworld of Vulcan dealing with his mixed heritage (human/vulcan). Flash forward a few years and Kirk is a motorcycling rebel without a cause whose life changes with a chance encounter at a local bar with a young Urhura, a bunch of beefy Starfleet cadets and Captain Christopher Pike who sites Kirk's father's courage and gets him to enroll in Starfleet.

So Kirk enrolls in Starfleet, promptly meets a young Dr. McCoy and they quickly hit it off. During his time at the academy Kirk butts heads with Spock. During an emergency mission to rescue planet Vulcan from an attack from the rogue Romulan vessel, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Uhura end up on none other than the famous USS Enterprise with young Sulu and Chekov. The virgin (tee-hee!) crew of the Enterprise then set out to first try to stop the rogue Romulans from detroying planet Vulcan and billions of alien lives resulting in: A) Captain Pike getting captain-napped: B) Some crazy sky diving stunts: C) Sulu pulling out some crazy wicked samurai moves with a totally sweet futurisitc fold-out sword and : D) The complete destruction of the planet Vulcan.

Now that the shit has officially hit the intergalactic fan the crew of the Enterprise becomes the one last, best hope for humanity what with the renegade Romulans making best time to Earth to try and set the record for most genocides committed within a twenty-four hour period. A beef with Spock ends Kirk stranded on some Hoth-like ice world (sorry for the comparison, but I mean, come on!) where Kirk meets the last piece of the Enterprise puzzle: the Scottich engineer named (wait for it...) Scotty! Oh yeah, he also meets a time-travelling Spock from the future who gives Kirk a little inside info into Starfleet regulations to earn him the captaincy (not sure if that's a real word, but suck on it Websters) to try to "make things right" and save an importantn and enduring friendship.

So Kirk and Scotty hightail it back to the Enterprise where Kirk uses the info from old Spock to dethrone young spock and take control of the mighty starship. So Kirk and young Spock bury the hatchet to head on a rescue mission for Captain Pike, and attempt to save Earth from the same fate as Vulcan which results in: A) The salvation of Earth: B) A crazy shoot-out/rescue scene and: C) The new crew of the Enterprise setting out on its continuing mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out life and new civilizations... and so on and so forth.

There were a shit-tonne of references to the original Trek series which was a real treat for any existing fans. There was Captain Pike (originally portrayed by Jeffrey Hunter in the original, original Star Trek pilot) who ends up in a wheelchair at the end of this movie and who was completely crippled by a fire and ended up in a wheelchair in the original series. There was the reference to the infamous Kobayashi Maru test taken by all cadets, and passed only by Kirk who cheats, as referenced in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. There was also the evil Romulan Nero calling out "Spock! Spock!" much like Kirk famously yelled out "Khan! Khan!" in Wrath of Khan. There was also the simple fact that the Romulans were the bad guys, a tradition dating back forty-odd years. There was also a very subtle reference to a phenomenon known only to trekkies/trekkers about starfleet officers in red shirts who, in the original series, would always beam down with the away team and sure as shit get killed by the alien/evil force/unknown disease to let you know just how dangerous the situation was. This happens during the crazy space-jumping scene, which was sadistically satisfying to watch. There are the references to some special Vulcan abilities like the famous Vulcan Neck pinch and the mind meld. And of course all the technology was beautifully handled to pay homage to the original while updating it to look more "realistic" or at least believable (no orange, thank God).

The cast was excellent and did the perfect job of capturing the collective essences of the original characters while not simply immitating them. Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto as Kirk and Spock respectively were perfect for their roles. Pine did a fantastic job of capturing the devil-may-care attitude and womanizing of the action junkie Captain James T. Kirk. Quinto -aside from the fact that he looked uncannily like a young Leonard Nimoy- did an excellent job of portraying Spock as a young man caught between two worlds and giving the classic eyebrow raise. Also notable were Karl Urban as Dr. "Bones" McCoy who did a pretty good Deforest Kelly without going to over the top. I also have a soft spot in my heart for Simon Pegg who I thought did an excellent Scotty. Zoe Saldana, John Cho, and Anton Yelchin also turned in great performances as Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov respectively. All in all the cast seemed to have a great raport with each other and it really translated well on screen.

I think the scene that best expresses the new take on Trek was the scene where a young Kirk steals a car and "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys is blaring on the radio. The way the writers handled this new entry into the Star Trek canon walked that fine razor's edge between satisfying the old fans while being accessible to a new audience. This was easily the most action-oriented Trek which draws in the new audiences who are easily entertained with bright lights and flashy things.

Then there is the whole idea of an alternate dimension/timeline created by the travelling back in time by the Romulans and Spock so technically all the stuff from the old films still happened independently of the events in this movie so we can all be happy and move on, even though some of us may have had problems with certain romantic relationships involving a certain pointy-eared alien and Uhura, which I'll admit kind of bugged me. In my mind the one thing that Rick Berman and Brannon Braga really fucked up with their inheritance of the Star Trek universe is the Vulcans. I mean, Gene Roddenberry (for those of you who don't know, he's the guy who dreamed up all this craziness back in that turbulant time known simply as The 60's) really did a lot to set up the Vulcans as a drastically different species who had different drives and different philosophies on how to approach the universe, but now they just seem like mean-spirited old men who are more stoic than devoid of all emotion. But that's the nerd coming out in me.

Alright, I'm through rambling and it's been about two months since I've seen this so I'll publish this motherfucker before I make any more spelling mistakes. Overall one of my favourite movies of the year so far, and now that I've seen a few other summer blockbusters, easily the best summer blockbuster this year.

My rating is 9/10 = One Logic-Infused Vulcan Head

The Chin's Last Ride

I can't say I'm the largest fan of late night television, usually because after work and playing with my daughter my wife and I end up in bed hours before any of the craziness starts and so I never have a chance to see it and develop any kind of emotional investment. But I have watched a fair amount of late night material over the years, and I think that Jay Leno was definitely my favourite. The key difference between Leno and his closest rival, David Letterman, was that Leno seemed to be, well, funny. The only good thing about Letterman's show was the Top Ten Lists, and even some of those were kind of shaky.

But for as long as I can remember Letterman and Leno have essentially been the kings of late night, so news of either of them stepping down is like the end of a dynasty. I guess Carson retired from the Tonight Show in my lifetime, but at the time I was so young I was never allowed to stay up late enough to see his show. So instead I'd stay up all night banging my head against the wall to get back at my parents. I'm not sure how this was supposed to facilitate my revenge against them, but in all fairness the severe damage my brain sustained from years of continuous blunt force trauma has definitely affected both my long- and short-term- memory and as a result I tend to ramble whenever I talk or write and get completely off topic. Nachos are great with cheese.

Where was I? Ah yes, Jay Leno's last night as host of the Tonight Show. Even though I haven't really followed the show I still got a sense of nostalgia and a weird tingling sensation in my bathing suit area when I heard that he was handing over the reigns to another late night icon- Conan O'Brien. So naturally I had to tune in for this momentus event in television history. Jay was pretty cool about the whole thing, and the show much like the man was endearing and unpretentious. There wasn't a huge fanfare, and I guess it really wasn't too sad of an ending because aparentlt Jay is going to start his own show in the fall. The main guest was his successor Conan O'Brien, who I must say has really come into his own over the years. The story of how he came to be a late night talk show host directly after working on The Simpsons (back in the Golden Era before Marge got breast implants and other stupid shit) was kind of cool and it was very fitting that his very first appearance on TV had been with Jay Leno on the Tonight Show years earlier.

I think the best and most emotionally poignant part of the show was the ending where Jay Leno answered a question posed to him earlier about his legacy by talking about how many couples had gotten together from the production crew and then brought out all the children who were born to these couples. It was a touching moment to see how the whole crew had grown together as a family and it was a nice, classy way to end an impressive seventeen-year run. Way to be, Jay.